Diane Hancox

Individuation/Stages of Life

by on

Individuation:  Becoming Who We Truly Are

You may be familiar with author Henry David Thoreau’s saying, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” 

Thoreau metaphorically advises one to ‘be yourself,’ but what does it mean to step to one’s own music?

Psychologist Abraham Maslow used the term self-actualization to describe what he believed to be the final level of psychological development. At this stage, the full personal potential of the individual is realized. 

Carl Jung offered the concept of individuation as a psychological process that makes one truly a unique, genuine and passionate being.

Jungian author Murray Stein explained individuation as “the inner union of pieces of the psyche that were divided and split off by earlier developmental demands and processes.” 

“Demands and processes” refer to childhood wounding in which authentic parts of ourselves were repressed into the unconscious. During individuation, our outward personas – who we think we are – are introduced to our repressed shadow material. The task is to meet, take ownership and reintegrate these ‘bad’ or undervalued parts into our beings and apply them in our outer world.

Individuation involves separating ourselves from conformity and from the collective. Thoreau stated, “Let everyone mind his/[her] own business, and endeavor to be what [s]he was made.” Indeed, individuation promotes choosing from an internal reference point rather than relying upon the collective norms of what we ‘should,’ ‘have to’ or ‘must’ do. As we detach from mother, father, family and society, a loss of dependency results in personal suffering.

The sometimes painful price one pays as we continue to individuate on our journey is accepting that we are truly alone. The reward is moving towards living a life larger than our egos and the collective norms. We end up living a life more aligned with who we truly are. As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu stated, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”

Often people think individuation is self-absorbing, ego gratifying and selfish. To the contrary, it is about becoming a mature adult, responsible for our actions. As we break free from family and societal beliefs that once bound us, we are able to offer to others and community our genuine selves. As Jung stated, “individuation does not shut one out from the world, but gathers the world to itself.”

Reflections

  1. What are the ‘shoulds,’ ‘have to’s,’ and ‘musts’ that have influenced and continue to influence your life?
  2. What are the parts of yourself – the traits, labels and roles – that prevent you from stepping off your existing path onto a new, more soulful path?
  3. What qualities of yourself do you know deep down that you could offer to self, family and community? How do you feel when you think about what you could give?
  4. Society and family have a huge influence in how we live our lives. How might the family, peers and community you live among react to any change or path redirection you are contemplating?
  5. What fears surface as you contemplate increased awareness and honouring of your true desires and living more aligned to your true self?

by on

Moving Forward with Imagination

Whether it is fate-driven angst (e.g., a pandemic) or a more subtle aching of one’s soul, (e.g., boredom or malaise), what is often being asked for is something new.  However, in times of transition, we may not know exactly what the change may look like, and yet, our imagination is there to help.
 
According to the Concise Oxford Dictionary, imagination is the mental faculty to form images or concepts of external objects not present to the senses. Kant believed that imagination was fundamental to the human mind, not only bringing together our sensory and intellectual faculties, but also acting in creative ways. Ralph Waldo Emerson noted, “Imagination is not a talent of some people, but is the health of every person.”
 
Imagination aids in problem solving.  Our intellect may wrestle with a dilemma and yet, when we imagine or widen the possibilities, answers often arise.  In times of uncertainty and ‘not knowing,’ we can heed Albert Einstein’s statement that, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”    
 
However, imagination is not always positive as many of us habitually examine and imagine problems resulting in increased and unnecessary chronic stress, which limits and distorts our experiences.
 
In her article “Why Thinking Can Get You in Trouble,” Maria Hill notes that, “The imagination is a powerful aspect of our brain functioning. … If our imagination has been directed toward fear, that is a pathway in our brain that will automatically arise when we are contemplating a task – especially a new one….[Further,] “When our imagination has habitually been directed to imagining something positive, that is where it will naturally go.”  A pattern to be aware of, and changed, if the former.
 
What next?   
In creating something new we first have to conjure up an image of what we want to create.  As William Blake observed, “What is now true was once only imagined.”
 
It is difficult to start imagining when we don’t even know what we want. Be as honest as you can. Take the time to turn inward and focus on how you want to feel, how you want ‘to be’, what your intentions are, and what virtues or principles you want to address.  Listen for any negating thoughts (“You can’t, Don’t be silly.”) that might accompany these desires.
 
What do you want?    
For many, the pandemic has made it pretty darn clear what matters most and what people want – more time with family, less time commuting or in malls. Prioritize. Clarify. Keep those promises NOT to return to some aspects of ‘the way it was before.’  Some employees are already asking employers for changes to work arrangements. Others have found or reclaimed activities, relationships, or parts of themselves lost over the years of busyness or distractions.

You may have an inkling for change yet may not know quite yet what that looks like.  When our Ego does not know (we may be locked into left-brain thinking), we can channel into the right brain, into the more creative, spontaneous, feeling-based unconscious realm.
 
Our unconscious is rich with images. As Jung stated, “Image is psyche.” Our psyche or soul creates spontaneous images in the form of dreams, art, music and poetry. We use metaphors (e.g., “I feel like a caged animal.”) which invoke images and emotions. Look for these imaginative gems throughout the day. Play with the possibilities of “What if?”
 
 “Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will.” – George Bernard Shaw
 

by on

Making Meaning in Life

Most symptoms (e.g., depression, anxiety, addictions, fear) are related to death anxiety and/or meaninglessness. As Elisabeth Kubler-Ross noted: “For those who seek to understand it, death is a highly creative force. The highest spiritual values of life can originate from the thought and study of death.”

One way you can approach death is by focssing on the concrete aspects of preparing for death (e.g., wills, living wills, medical advance care plans), burial/cremation pre-arrangements and other death rituals). Here we ask: “How do I want to die?”

You can also focus on any unfinished business with colleagues, friends, family, and with groups/organizations. The key idea here is, “What do I value?” and “What can I let go of?”

On a deeper level, one can reflect about the meaning of life and death. Here you address the question, “How can my death be meaningful for me and others?” Having a solid religious and/or spiritual foundation helps with this concept.

As one focuses on death, it forces one to look at life, including what matters most, our values and worldview, as well as how one needs to change in order to make our remaining time more meaningful. Psychologically, this is where the work is done. What trait, role, belief or thought pattern needs to be consciously let go?

As Jung’s stated:
we cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning;
for what was great in the morning will be little at evening,
and what in the morning was true will at evening have become a lie.

Similar to Jung’s concept of individuation (especially as we hit the autumn of our life), Viktor Frankl’s (Man’s Search for Meaning) idea of free will suggests that life constantly challenges us with these inevitable choices:
• To stay the same or to change for the better.
• To float aimlessly downstream or to strive upstream for a goal.
• To conform to group pressure or to remain true to oneself.
• To do what is expedient or to do what is right and responsible.
• To get as much as one can or to give as much as one can to the world.

Martin Seligman, founder of positive psychology, encouraged people to look at living a meaningful and engaged life that does not always feel good in the short term, yet yields lasting satisfaction. It’s not about the ‘fun’, rather; it’s about acting from our personal values and goals that deepens our life.

Frankl’s theory of logotherapy (logos – Greek for ‘meaning’) suggests these elements of well-being that one can incorporate into daily life:
• Exercising autonomy.
• Exercising responsibility.
• Having a purpose or life goal.
• Serving others or a higher purpose.
• Relating well to others in an ethical way.
• Discovering & experiencing meaning in life.
• Appreciating the here & now.
• Engaging in what matters.

Where and how will you begin to deepen into life?

by on

The Aging Woman

What images and words come to mind when you hear the phrase ‘older woman’? Each of us carries an image based upon personal experiences and yet, this image is largely influenced by the media and society.

In Canada, women make up fifty-six percent of the over sixty-five population. However, older men appear in ads ten times more often than older women. Twenty-three percent of magazine readers are older women, yet fashion magazines portray women over the age of forty sparingly, if at all.

Images of women that do appear are often defined by women’s traditional social roles; those associated with marital status and their relationship to family. Women are seen limited to roles of grandmother, aunt, widow, host and caregiver. Responsibilities and tasks are serving others, other women and family – the devoted nurturer, with some recreation time.

We also see images of air-brushed sixty year old women who are portrayed traveling, romantically involved, and living a full social life. In reality, twenty-five percent of Canadian women aged sixty-five to seventy-nine live alone (14% of men do), while fifty-four percent of women over eighty live alone (24% of men).

These media driven images do not show an older woman which resonates with what some older women really desire. Many women experience a conflict between their own internal sense of self and the socially constructed perception of an older woman. However, this has not always been the case.

Historically, elder women held key cultural and societal roles such as midwives and advisors in health care. They were scribes, often responsible for sacred literature and libraries. They performed ceremonies, many of which included the tasks of funerary priestess and transitioning from life to death.

Early Gnostic-Christian scriptures included the wise Crone figure; a part of the female trinity (Virgin-Mother-Crone).  Mythology gives us Crone goddesses such as Hestia, Kali and Hecate.  The term hag, from the Greek hagia, originally meant “holy one.”

What has happened to the once respected Crone?

One theory is when Christianity entered, religion changed to a Father focused church, resulting in a divinity only to Son, Father and Holy Ghost.  The Virgin and Mother remained, but the Crone – the one that stares death in the face, and in her final chapters of life, turns away from man and moves towards self and personal growth – disappeared.

Older women (in their full potential) may have disappeared from the media; yet, it is the task of each woman to consciously discern how meaningfully visible or invisible she chooses to live her aging years.

by on

Facing Death Wisely

We are very good at living, but what about dying?  We are comfortable with focussing on our accomplishments, accumulations, and rise in life; so, why not have the same intention for our descent?

Our lives can be enriched by accepting and facing death. As philosopher Corliss Lamont stated, “The wise (person) looks at death with honesty, dignity and calm, recognizing that the tragedy it brings is inherent in the great gift of life.”

Death has a place in our life – in the life cycle. Preparing for death is an integral part of living life fully and is core to our personal growth.  Our task is to bring meaning to our death – to think creatively about how we will meet death.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross suggested, “For those who seek to understand it, death is a highly creative force. The highest spiritual values of life can originate from the thought and study of death.”

Imagine that, studying death. And yet, it is a necessary task on our journey.

You can start to meaningfully explore your death in a number of ways.  Depending upon your personality, some ideas may appeal more to you, others not so much; yet, all are worthy to explore. It may be interesting to notice where you have any resistance in trying any of these suggestions.

One way you can approach death is by focussing on the concrete aspects of preparing for death (e.g., wills, living wills, health proxies (aka advance care plans), burial/cremation pre-arrangements and other death rituals). Here you are dealing with practicalities such as, “How do I want to die?”

You can also focus on any unfinished business with colleagues, friends and family, and with groups, organizations, and the collective (such as leaving a legacy). The key idea here is, “What do I value?” and “What can I let go of?”

On a deeper level, one can reflect about the meaning of life and death. Here you address the question, “How can my death be meaningful for me and others?” Having a solid religious and/or spiritual foundation helps with answering this concept.

Facing death also involves deciding on end-of-life medical care and interventions, funeral or memorial services, and who will be responsible for decisions if we become incapacitated. It is important to ponder these ideas and let others know our wishes.

by on

Finally Growing Up

The poet e.e. cummings wrote, “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” However, what does being a mature adult entail?

It means psychologically and emotionally separating from our parents and others, even institutions or careers, which have previously provided a sense of security. As we individuate – choose our own path based upon our inner needs and desires – we begin to separate from past reliances. This creates a sense of loss, even fear, causing us to often stay where we are, comfortable with our past dependency and security. We remain tied to old beliefs and to others instead of venturing out on our own.

According to psychologist Dr. Firestone, the main reason why many of us don’t want to grow up is the ‘fantasy bond.’ Early in life, children form the illusion that parents offer a degree of safety and security in order to reduce feelings of emotional discomfort or frustration caused by childhood wounding (e.g., deprivation, rejection, separation, and overwhelment). Our parents held the archetypal authority of Mother and Father, the ones that will protect us. However, experience told us otherwise; and yet, we still yearn for it.

We cling to this unreasonable belief (fantasy bond) that something or someone will take care of us, instead of realizing that we alone are fully responsible for our well-being.  We place expectations on partners, friends, church, and employers (e.g., pensions, benefits) to provide security. The extent to which we rely on external sources to take care of us is proportional to the degree of psychological pain we experienced in our childhoods.

What are the consequences of not growing up? A.H. Almass observed that “All the difficulties you experience, all the problems you have, exist, quite simply, because you don’t want to grow up.”

When we depend upon external sources to fulfill our needs, we forfeit our responsibility for getting our needs met.  We then act from a child’s perspective, regressing into pouting (‘poor me’) or even tantrums, blaming or trying to manipulate others. We will drink, shop, and eat to numb our hurt instead of facing the discomfort.

To dispel the fantasy bond, we must learn to take responsibility for our feelings and actions. As psychiatrist Murray Bowen observed, mature adults “are able to distinguish between the feeling process and the intellectual process…and [have] the ability to choose between having one’s functioning guided by feelings or by thoughts.”

Emotionally mature people do not get defensive, angry or use unhealthy coping mechanisms when unpleasant situations arise.  They readily explore new ideas, welcome constructive criticism, and seek to expand their self-knowledge. They are connected to and trust their inner source of wisdom and authority – a set of inner parents who benevolently support the fulfillment of their needs.