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Why am I excited to be integrating EMDR into my practice?   
EMDR allows the client to access conscious and unconscious memories which are associated with negative cognitions/thoughts (E.g.,  I’m unlovable, I’m stupid, I’m a disappointment) and goes back to the origins of these in order to clear up both the (false) negative message/voice and the unpleasant feelings (e.g., sad, angry) associated with this memory.

As one client recently stated, EMDR should be called “Back to the Future.”  As we know, the past is the present, as unprocessed disturbing or negative memories continue to haunt us (our “baggage”) in our current triggers, relationships, body symptoms, beliefs, etc.

             “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”       ~  William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun.

What is EMDR?     Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is psychotherapy which guides the client in concentrating on a troubing memory (packed with emotion and negative thoughts) while moving the eyes rapidly back and forth (by following the therapist’s fingers).  Sometimes knee tapping is done, especially with earlier memories.

EMDR combines neuroscience (neuropathways), cognitive behavioural therapy, inner child, ego states (‘parts’ of us), depth, interpersonal and positive psychologies, and incorporates the healing nature of the psyche or brain’s system. The eye movements, REM (dream) like in nature, tap into rich unconscious material, both body and mind.

Over the months, I have witnessed some amazing changes in clients (and with my own EMDR sessions) with minimal sessions (2-6).  Pre-verbal memories have been accessed, body symptoms lessened, changes from ‘I’m a loser” to “I’m doing my best”; from “I’m messed up” to “I’m good enough.”  Clients rapidly make sense of the past, feel emotional relief and are more able to move forward with daily life and goals.

EMDR using a 3-pronged approach which deals with past memories, current triggers and future application of the learnings.

EMDR desensitizes the emotional charge or energy and reprocessesthe negative belief into a positive one.

It is a treatment modality recommended by the American Psychiatric Association, the Defense Department and the World Health Organization in treating trauma.

However, it’s effectiveness goes beyond trauma.

Symptoms that EMDR works with include:
trauma, anxiety, addictions, anger, guilt, low confidence, pain, grief  ….

Clients ‘target’ an issue to be addressed.  These can be:

• Negative beliefs (e.g.,  “I’m not good enough.”  “It’s my fault.”)
• What keeps bothering you?  {worst intrusive memory}
• Certain situations (e.g., holidays, flying, social outings)
• Perpetrators (e.g.,  Uncle Bob, swim coach)
• Certain age  (e.g., age 10 (divorce, moved, sad)
• What memory makes you the most angry?  are the worst?   {top 10 can be listed}

For futher information see below. Again  … these links mostly talk about EMDR and trauma, but ANY issue can be ‘targeted.’

EMDR founder Francine Shapiro talks about EMDR (8 m) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZtGDnReCys

An NBC news feature on EMDR (3.5 m) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYy2NBXkPSo

An article in which Shapiro answers questions on EMDR. https://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/16/expert-answers-on-e-m-d-r/

Lots of good EMDR Q & A in article format.
http://www.emdr.com/frequent-questions/

An in-depth audio Powerpoint talk by F. Shapiro (60 m)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsQbzfW9txc&t=267s

What makes a decision better than others?

Look at the intention behind making the decision.  Is it based upon any fear?  It is working from a place of abundance or scarcity (which is usually fear-based)?  Who will benefit from your action?

Further, look at what values are beneath the decision.  Is it validating virtues of honesty, loyalty, humanity, etc.?  It is important to check any beliefs associated with the values. Are these beliefs valid in all circumstances?  E.g., One must always put family first.  Look for ‘shoulds,’ have to’s and can’ts when making decisions.  What are the consequences of acting opposite to these beliefs?  How do you feel when you do the right thing? What is the cost when you don’t?

The costs of not doing the next best thing include a decrease in self-worth and personal integrity which can even lead to beating our self up, agitation (feeling ‘off’), fitful sleeps, and depression. Even our dreams will point out where ego-based fears have directed us down the wrong path.

Happiness is when what you think, say and do are in harmony.   Gandhi

Areas in life of doing the next best thing.

The Buddha’s great enlightenment resulted in The Eightfold Noble Path as the prescription for overcoming suffering. It boils down to doing the next right thing. The eight elements of the path of enlightenment include the:

• Right View
• Right Intention
• Right Speech
• Right Action
• Right Livelihood
• Right Effort
• Right Mindfulness
• Right Concentration

How you are making the next right choice in each of these areas?

When you can’t trust your mind … trust your body.

A useful strategy when making decisions is to access the wisdom of the body as it is an indicator of feeling and intuition.  Sit with an issue or problem or perhaps, with one possible solution to a situation.  Note where and what you are feeling in your body. Name the feeling(s) associated with that sensation.  What messages are connected to the feeling?  E.g. “I’m angry that I’ve been asked once again to be ‘the bad guy.’” Or, “I’m scared that I won’t be able to follow through on this.”

In identifying underlying concerns, one has shifted away from what specifically to do, to the block in making the decision (e.g., I don’t want to be wrong.)  One can now deal with this concern and any mistruths around it. E.g. What does it mean to be ‘wrong’?  What belief is there around being wrong?  When this underlying concern is addressed, it often results in more solid decision making.

To help hone your decision making skills   … learn from your past.

1. Think of a time you said yes to something you later regretted.
2. Think of a time you said no to something and later wished you’d said yes.
3. Recall a time you said no and were later relieved that you’d passed on what would have been a bad experience.
4. Remember a time you said yes to something that turned out to be a great choice.

In all the above situations, vividly remember the moment you made the decision. What were you feeling in your body? What are your body signs that indicate you are on the right track or off it?   Identify underlying messages in each of these situations. How do these thoughts talk you in or out of making the next best choice?

When we truly don’t know what to do –  Wait!  

Not knowing what to do or having difficulty in making a decision can be viewed as an inner conflict. Neither choice feels right.  If only there was an answer. If only I knew!  Sometimes the answer is not black-and-white, this or that, but rather something other and most definitely in the grey palette. When we face these situations one has ventured into deep, often existential issues. Psychically, one is holding the tension of the opposites.

In these moments, we are being challenged to let go of our usual way(“That’s what I always do!”) and integrate a new part of us. It can also be seen as a struggle between ‘our’ way (ego’s defensive way or self-will; the part of us that thinks it knows best or is fearful of trying new [shadow] ways) versus a more trusting, growth inspired way.  Indeed, when a person’s ego does ‘get out of the way’, this is when a new sense of freedom begins.  Situations flow, decisions are easier to make, and often, situations are better than we thought they could be.

It is in these painful moments of decision-making that true deep personal growth can occur. To live with uncertainty, to hold the tension, and to wait, as uncomfortable as it is, is a sign of maturity. It means our ego is strong enough to let go of knowing the outcome, of making the decision now, and of controlling. Ego then wisely decides to trust that there is a deeper part of self that does know.

We talk about physical and emotional health, but what about financial health?  Financial health can be seen as how safe we feel about our level of money.  We do not want to be stressed about money; nor do we want to be in denial of our money situation (in order not to be stressed!).  In fact, physical, emotional and psychological health are directly related to financial well-being.  Are you putting all aspects of your self – your well-being – first?

As we discuss this further, keep in mind … It is not how much money one has; it is how one manages money and this depends upon the relationship one has with money and with self.

Some good questions to ponder about your relationship with moneyinclude:

• From where did you learn your financial knowledge?  (Remember, financial institutions are not necessarily educational ones!)
• How did your family manage money?  How did you interpret this management?
• How is your management of money influenced by what you learned?
• What value does money have for you?
• What is your biggest fear around money?
• What negative messages do you have around money?
• What vision or goals do you have regarding money?
• What are your thoughts and feelings about money?

Similar to how we establish relationships with others, we learned how to relate to money (at least initially) in our formative years – from family, culture, etc.  From these influences and our personal experiences, we developed values, beliefs and attitudes around money.

Three main myths or false beliefs that interfere with financial well-being are:

1. There’s not enough (scarcity and ‘all or nothing’ thinking).
2. The more I have the better.
3. There’s nothing I can do about it (#1 – not enough).

There is also negative self-talk around money –  which is mostly untrue.  For example:

• ‘I don’t make enough money to concern myself with any need to manage it.’  (Everyone can save.)
• ‘I’ll never be able to save/manage my money/get out of debt!’  (Then, you won’t!)
• ‘I can’t understand the math, interest rates, how it works, etc.’  (Again, so why bother!)
• ‘It’s not my fault that I have money problems; it’s out of my control.’ (Not taking responsibility.)

Understanding our wants and needs when spending  …
Needs are items and conditions required for survival.  Wants are all the remaining items, experiences and conditions.

The wanting brain, like the addictive brain, often leads to impulsive actions (in this case buying) which results in acting contrary to what we really want to do (e.g., buying more of certain items, not saving, etc.) and thus, creates self-deprecating messages and may, no doubt, lead to other self-defeating acts.  The wanting brain is driven by desire – the core of suffering.
There is a false belief that if we get what we want (materialistically) we will be happy.     Real happiness (contentment) comes when we get to the point where we do not want anything.

Think of the last 10 items you purchased.  Be specific (e.g. list specific food items vs ‘groceries’). Next, decide if each was a need or a want.  Remember, it is okay to have wants. Thus, be careful not to make moral or value assumptions when deciding.  On the same note, be careful not to rationalize any want as a need (this can be easy to do).  Conversely, a true need is difficult to categorize as a want.

Bring awareness to your spending
Before each item goes into the shopping cart, ask … Is this a need or a want? If it is a want, ask, “Why do I want this?”  Be ruthlessly honest with the reason.   What are you feeling when you are holding, buying or even contemplating buying the item?  Watch for messages of rationalizing (I deserve!) and minimizing (Oh, what’s another $10.)  If the item is ‘on sale,’ ask, “Can I really afford (on many levels!) to save this much?”

Do you see any patterns in your spending?
In more detail, look at the past month or months of spending.  Take the time with an honest glance or even better, group and add up the amount of money spent on each category of purchases. E.g., food, each utility, entertainment, meals out, children, spouse/partner, friends, pets, vacations, liquor store, dollar store, car, donations, drug store, etc.

Where and what you spend money on reflects what you value, where you are spending your time, and how you value yourself.  This concept is similar to doing (‘spending’ time) what is of value (important and urgent) to you.

We want to align our spending with our values, and yet, be careful of black-and-white thinking and thus, black-and-white purchasing.  For example, we may only want to eat organic or only buy certain brands. However, these rigid preferences can make it more difficult to reach our financial goals.  We want to be able to discerningly choose, be flexible, and make the best choice each time.

Outside Influences
Avoid or minimize external sources which contradict our values and goals (in all aspects of our life, including financial).

Mute or fast forward through advertisements, do not read paper flyers unless looking for specific items, catch yourself comparing and being in self-pity, set boundaries around listening to/viewing others’ spending (decrease shopping visits), and discuss finances with people (perhaps even find a financial mentor!) who share your same financial outlook.

Financial differences (because they are based upon our values) really do matter in relationships!      Because …

How we value money and what our ‘bottom line is’ are equal to how we value our selves and how we maintain boundaries. Managing money, just as we manage (or not?) our house, our emotions, our nutrition and sleep, etc., directly relates to our sense of self-worth (how we value our selves) and our sense of empowerment.

To find out more and to understand your style (archetype) of managing money (and life!) read this interesting article … http://experiencelife.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/49-its-not-about-the-money.pdf

Much of the above material was adapted from the workshop, ‘Emotional & Cognitive Elements that Determine Money Management,’ by Jose Jaime Guerrero, MA, RCC.

Henry David Thoreau said in Walden, “Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify, simplify!”

How do we begin to simplify our lives?

We begin with being aware of what we are doing and why.

We ask:  Towards what and to whom am I putting my energy?

We then ask:  What drives me to do these activities?  What beliefs and values lie beneath my decisions and actions?

We can simplify our choices in what we do by …  Doing What is Important

Stephen Covey outlines in the book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” that life’s tasks can be organized into four areas or quadrants: important and urgent (e.g., deadline-driven work), important and non-urgent (e.g., preventative tasks, relationship building, recreation, seeking new opportunities), not important and urgent (e.g., non-crisis interruptions, calls, chores) and not important and not urgent (e.g., trivial time-wasting tasks).

Where do you spent most of your time? We may spend hours each day cleaning/sorting the house or Googling, and yet wonder why bills have not been attended to or why life feels boring or lacks meaning despite having “filled” our days.

Applying Covey’s ‘80/20 Rule,’ it suggests that few (20%) tasks are vital or matter and many (80%) are trivial. If we are spending close to 80% of our time involved in non-urgent not important tasks, no wonder we are finding life meaningless.

As Goethe advised, “Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least.”

Carve out quality ‘quadrant two’ time by setting boundaries … blocks of time (time-outs) away from others, screen time, noise, etc. so you can focus on what matters most.

Identify what ‘matter most’

“Keep it simple and focus on what matters.”    Confucius

James Hollis suggests in “What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life,” there exists a necessity “to become more and more of ourselves.”  If what matters most is living according to our true selves, then why the avoidance?  Why aren’t we doing what our soul truly desires?

Begin by isolating what actually you are avoiding? If you were not partaking in non-urgent not important tasks, what would you be doing or feeling instead? For example, if you were not cleaning so much you might have time to volunteer. If you did not shop as much you might not be distracted from feeling grief or boredom.

We may have become so distanced from what we truly want that the answer to “What matters most?” does not come easily. Further, when the answer does come it often challenges us to make changes we are not willing to take. This is the crux of our unfocused, unfulfilled and addictive ways – avoiding our fears, feelings and wounds, as well as avoiding our many unlived possibilities.

Speaking of being unfocussed …Keep in the Moment 

Are we enjoying the here and now?  Create focus … mood, space, and intent when doing something.

Monotasking involves concentrating on doing one thing (and one thing only) until finished. The concept has its roots in mindfulness — paying attention to the current moment. But while the goal of mindfulness in the traditional sense is relaxation, monotasking is all about getting tasks done. By maintaining conscious focus on each task, one is able to get more done in a shorter period of time.

And, it can actually make work more enjoyable. This is because people get the same dopamine rush when ticking things off our to-do list one by one that we get when multi-tasking.  And, because we are not draining our brain’s finite resources by multi-tasking, we don’t get the same cognitive and psychological stress.

However, there are certain circumstances in which we are better at multi-tasking – when we feel relaxed and when we’ve been doing a mentally creative exercise which encourages us to think broadly.  Ironically, when people are stressed, and thus, more likely to multi-task, their multi-tasking abilities decrease.

Avoid the Urge (or compulsion) to Complicate Matters

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”     Confucius

One must be careful and aware of a part of us wanting to make things complicated.  One might even believe when situations are simple that this is somehow wrong or boring. We can reframe simplicity using Leonardo da Vinci’s statement, “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”

We may be unconsciously creating chaos – adding drama – in our lives, by worrying, what-iffing, futurizing, catastrophizing, looking for solutions, etc., when we really do not need to.

We may be familiar with Rube Goldberg’s machines – those intentionally overly-complex, multi-step devices designed to achieve one task. For some lightness, and yet, a symbolic visual of how our minds (all those twisting and connecting neural pathways!) can complicate circumstances, instead of applying a “this too shall pass” approach, view https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qybUFnY7Y8w [if you’d like, mute and mindfully view, however there are lovely glass chimes at 1:20].

Simple, our task is to  … Create days and moments that are FULL (of moments/times of meaning, connection, joy, peace, kindness … whatever is important to you) rather than busy.

At this time of year, many people celebrate Christmas and the birth of the child of God, Jesus. As with any child that appears in dreams or myths, it usually signals the emergence of previously unknown psychic material into consciousness. What is the Christ child trying to bring into our consciousness?

Archetypically, the child appears in many forms such as the Orphan, the Innocent, and the Magical Child. The Christ Child celebrated at Christmas, as with Buddha, Krishna, and Mohammed, is the Divine Child in that it possesses a special gift, born with great destiny. He is the hero, the true Self, ready to be fully realized. He is a symbol of future hopes, potentiality, newness and even redemption.

Psychologically, the Christmas Nativity scene represents the possibility of human wholeness. Christmas occurs during the winter solstice, the darkest and coldest point of winter. Symbolically, what is needed when we are in our darkest and most unconscious times is the Divine Child; one whom brings light in the form of increased consciousness, new feelings and ideas.

Christmas offers annual hope of the emergence of new developments in the human psyche.

However, in all great myths, the birth of the hero or Divine Child is always threatened by negative reactions from the status quo. In this case, King Herod, the ruling authority, is fearful of being superseded by the new authority, represented by the Christ Child.

Symbolically, King Herod represents our egos and the collective forces that threaten, as they did Jesus, our true complete selves, our own inner Divine Child. Like the Christ Child, we are inevitably bullied, coerced and wounded. The result is a lack of wholeness.

The task is to reclaim our wounded parts that have been exiled into the darkness, into the unconscious. These parts wait for the reintegration into the light, into our consciousness. Jung called this task individuation.

The Christmas story proposes the right to be our true selves, to live to our full potentials without pressure from the collective, and to be no other than whom we are destined to be. We are the Christ Child. The Divine Child is within each of us.

Jung explained “the remarkable story of a divine child” as the “function” of our true selves. He stated, “Despite the harsh and unwelcoming environment, the hostility of the powers that be, and all the forces arrayed against him, the child survives, and even flourishes.” There is hope.

Take time over the holidays to recreate a ‘Silent Night’ – a time of soulful calmness, silence and darkness. Envision yourself at the manger, looking at the Divine Child, at you. Contemplate on the qualities of yourself that need to be brought back into consciousness. Light a candle to honour these traits, as they are the light required for your wholeness.

Whether the trait deals with being more generous or accepting a prejudice, the integration will bring you closer to wholeness, to the light that the Divine Child offers. As Jung suggested, to“confront a person with their shadow is to show them their own light.”

What light will the Christ Child represent for you this year?

Being environmentally or socially conscious is often difficult. For example, as one contemplates throwing an empty cardboard toilet-paper roll into the bathroom trash container, there may be a fleeting thought of walking the roll to the kitchen recycling area or even placing it on the vanity counter to move later. The thought leaves and into the trash the roll goes. The challenge in making conscious decisions is being aware of underlying or unconscious thoughts during the moment of any choice.

A good place to start is acknowledging the primary thought (“I want to recycle,” “I’d love to volunteer,” or “I want to make donations to the food bank regularly.”) and then noticing what secondary feelings or thoughts come up immediately after thinking about doing the action (i.e. “You/I don’t have time,” “You’re/I’m such a loser to want to recycle,” or “Don’t be so lazy.”).

These secondary messages are usually out of our daily consciousness or awareness, yet, they have been accompanying our lives for decades. We have been hearing these statements for so long, either from external sources (originating most frequently from parents and other impacting situations) or now internally, that we come to believe these messages are ours.

Our true Self wants to help the environment or make more socially responsible choices, yet unconsciously we receive conflicting messages, often nothing to do with the actual decision at hand. In this case, it may not be about walking the ten steps to the kitchen, rather, it may be related to feeling a similar ‘loser’ feeling from past experiences where when we were doing something we truly believed in or wanted to do we were unsuccessful or emotionally wounded. We may even acknowledge our laziness and yet, unconsciously feeling perhaps a bit shameful or defensive about it, and then toss the roll into the garbage anyway.

The underlying messages may also be rooted in underlying cultural, societal, family-of-origin and even gender-role values deeply, unconsciously affecting our decisions and actions. For example, you may have been raised in a, “We don’t care about nature” household or municipality.

A great exercise to do is to notice how many of these fleeting messages, often starting with ‘you’, enter into your awareness each day, whether while making environmental decisions or other activities. It is amazing to witness not only the number of, but also the negative tone of such statements. One soon begins to wonder, “Why would I ever speak to myself in such negative and often hurtful ways?”

With certain exceptions aside, a person is not born with these negative messages and feelings. Uncovering the real source of these messages helps to separate them from our true Self and to see how they have influenced and continue to influence our lives. The work is subtle but occurs when one is deliberate, discerning and honestly goes deeper with the origins of the messages. One can begin by asking: What am I feeling? Where have I felt like this before? What repetitive messages about myself are being heard?  Who or where is the source of the critical finger pointing at me saying, “You are …,” “I can’t …,” or ‘”You should or shouldn’t …”?

With practice, as one acknowledges and works with unconscious material, one is better able to get insights which allow more environmentally, socially and personally conscious decisions to be made. Well, time for a walk to the kitchen!