Diane Hancox

Diane Hancox

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May 11, 2022 – An Evening of EMDR

Wed., May 11     7-9 pm           FREE

Parksville Community Centre    223 Mills St., Parksville (beside Starbucks)

Learn about EMDR Therapy – Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing – a WHO approved trauma psychotherapy that is effective in reconsolidating any intense or bothersome event or thought.    It helps more than trauma!

When the negative self-talk or anxiety does not go away despite all the positive affirmations, etc.  When the defensive ‘ya-buts’ keep the looping and spiraling going.  When we just can’t seem to shake the anger, guilt or resentments.   EMDR helps to target, unravel and reprocess these deep-seated cognitions and feelings.

      What would you like to “clear up”?

  • memories that bother or haunt you  (flashbacks, nightmares)
  • negative beliefs (“I’m not good enough.” “I’m unlovable.”)
  • certain situations (e.g., holidays, giving presentations)
  • certain people (e.g.,  in-law, co-worker)
  • a certain event/age  (e.g., abuse, accident, a move)
  • issues you thought you had “dealt with” or “got over”
  • anxiety, anger, guilt, regrets

EMDR Therapy is a holistic somatic (body & feeling) based psychotherapy that focuses on the healing nature of the brain’s and psyche’s adaptive systems.  The eye movements (bilateral stimulation) help process the rich (often) unconscious (both body and mind) material in a safe and effective manner.  [* Dissociation, DID will not be covered.]

In this presentation we’ll explore:

  • its therapeutic uses (what to ‘target’)                                               
  • EMDR’s 8-phase protocol  (hopefully, a demonstration)
  • With focus on how it heals or transforms (reprocesses)

Register or further info at:

Diane Hancox    M.A.  CCC    

Clinical Counsellor

250.586.7380                                

diane@corecounselling.ca           

 

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The Summer of 2021: Coming Back with Intention

As most of us will continue to experience the on-going lifting of Covid-19 restrictions, as well as perhaps having more time with the longer days of summer, why not approach these months with focused intention.

Let’s reflect on what that time may have been about from a psychological perspective.

We were all affected to some degree by the pandemic.  Our personal anxieties and fears were triggered, and no doubt amplified by the overall global (anxious) situation.  Our psyches were challenged, some of us truly entering the depths of our soul.  For some, it was re-traumatizing.  Many childhood wounds were activated, whether we were dealing with job and financial losses, government decisions, media coverage, and/or medical and safety concerns, etc.

We were asked to face our fears, to let go of some beliefs that no longer served us, learn what matters more or most, and to symbolically do some shedding of skins (personas or masks) that no longer fit who we are (this time round).

I say, ‘This time round’ as what we likely experienced was the cyclical process called the Hero’s Journey.  The pandemic (fate) initiated the call, whether we wanted it or not.  We resisted and yet, we had to go.  Into the depths we went – and faced some inner monsters (fears, parts of self, etc.) along the way.  We used all the tools and skills we had, gaining insights and clarity (treasures) along the way.

So, as we ‘return to normal,’ we hear that the normal will be a ‘new’ normal.  And rightfully so. IF we have gone into the depths, humbled into parts of our self, clarified our beliefs, and emerged with some gifts (truths) of self, we will return with vigor and new confidence in who we are and what we have to offer or bring to the world (service).

So, back to the summer.  What will you focus on?

What (fears, beliefs, negative cognitions, etc.) did you face and wrestle with during the pandemic?

What insights or lessons were learned?

How will you honour and integrate (prioritize and focus on) these new insights into your daily life?
How will you BE and what will you DO?

What did you learn?  For some, it was an appreciation of time by self and with children/family. Some learned that spending less (saving) was possible, preparing meals (and other food stuff) brought pleasure and increased energy, and spending more time in nature brought increased peace.  For others, cutting back on work led to better quality of life. 

We realized what and whom matters most and did some sorting of relationships, priorities and values.

And so, whatever insights you discovered, the task is to bring these new understandings forward, living your new, more integral, way in your relationships and community.

Part of my ‘Summer of 2021’ will be the production and launching of the on-line material I’ve been developing.  It has been a process!   The 4-Module program, now called Honing Your Sword will launch September 1st.  Find out about the content here.   August’s newsletter will give pre-launch details and an introductory price.

All the best to your Summer of 2021.  Peace

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Revisiting Our Parents

Even if our (step)-parents are no longer alive, the body remembers our experiences with them, and our psyches can be stirred.  With Mother’s Day recently past and Father’s Day upon us, these days often evoke comfortable and uncomfortable feelings (regrets, guilt, resentments, disappointments and even anger).

Why not approach these (and any) days as consciously as possible.

Take a moment to get grounded, take a couple of deep breaths, and think of one of your parents.  What comes up?  Do a body scan and see what your body tells you?  What lingers deep inside or perhaps, right on the surface about how you feel and think about each of your parents?

In dealing with any hurt, anger and resentments, some good reflections to consider include:

  • What are your expectations (there will be some!) from your parents?
  • What need are you hoping to receive?
  • What are these expectations based upon?   (E.g., that’s what moms are supposed to do, It would be nice.)
  • Are the expectations rational?  Do they make sense based upon the history of their behaviour/abilities?
  • Look at any past/current disappointments – as disappointments are based upon unmet expectations.

Resentments are usually due to blaming others for something we did that we did not really want to do (not set a boundary) or that asks us to do something (set a boundary) that we really do not want to do.

The result is us brooding and projecting anger onto others. Clear these up!  Look at underlying reasons and beliefs that drive each resentment (e.g., If I don’t then what will people think?).

If we hold any anger towards our parents write down the reasons and specifics. If it happened as an adult, take ownership of your part in it.

If we are angry about what happened to us as a child, process the anger and no doubt, pain and sadness, around the incidents.  Name and mourn the losses – the emotions need to come OUT of the body.  This stored pain is toxic, and as discussed previously, leads to a myriad of physical and psychological dis-ease.

Know that most children, despite ‘good enough’ parenting, will emerge from childhood with pain, losses and negative adaptations (or learned conditioning or wounds or baggage). Get a clear picture, once and for all, of your parents.  Make the lists: ‘thank you’ for and ‘you could have done better.’

Note any resistance that exists in making the lists. Feel the feelings which emerge as you do this and go over and over until the feelings are no longer uncomfortable (neutral).  This will take time to process each ‘cut’.

Going further with the emotions arising from the ‘could have done better’ items, identify what you learned (the narrative) about yourself (e.g., I am bad, I am unlovable, I am not creative, etc.).  The work now is to re-parent yourself (e.g., make new and stronger positive neuropathways!) by stating the truth (e.g., I am good enough/OK, I am lovable, I am creative, etc.) over and over and over again.
Listen for any, “Yay, but …” that what to argue with the new truth.   Clear these up as well.

As long as we (including our inner child!) know and believe the truth about ourselves, and are cleared of past resentments, anger and guilt, the unpleasant memories and current dealings with parents will not haunt and trigger us. 

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The Blame Game

The concept of blame deals with not taking responsibility or ownership of our actions and intentions.

Blame is an excellent defense mechanism. Whether we call it projection, denial (“I didn’t do it!”) or displacement, blame helps preserve our sense of self-esteem by avoiding awareness of our own flaws or failings (shadow material). 

It’s often easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility. There is less effort (at least until we get better practiced at becoming humble and taking responsibility) involved in recognizing our contributions to a situation than in accepting the fact that we are actually at fault.

Further, along with accepting the responsibility comes the increased awareness and efforts to then change the behaviour so it does not happen again (or less often).  ‘More work’ (says ego) and thus, it is more efficient (at least it initially seems) not to take responsibility.

Depending on the degree of this defense, blame can result in more of an attack, falling into the category of an unhealthy conflict resolution technique where we try to actually verbally hurt others (with the blame).

Another ‘easy way out’ reason that people don’t take responsibility is that people lie. It can be relatively easy just to lie and blame someone else even though you know you’re at fault.  This is especially true when the chance of the truth not being discovered is high. One does not even have to name someone else, merely saying “It wasn’t me,” suggests that it was someone else.

With the extreme inability to take responsibility (and thus, extremely likely to blame) comes the narcissist who, in their own eyes, can do no wrong. Everything wrong that happens around or to them, whether their own fault or not, is immediately blamed on other people. There exists an unwillingness to see any part they may play in the issue or incident. Denial is rampant!

Further, gaslighting occurs when the blamer turns the story around to make it seem like others are at fault, attempting to make others feel guilty (emotional manipulation).

When there is no one who could have conceivably caused the situation, we may blame fate or God/higher power.  We may feel that we are being tested or even punished. Be careful, as this may reinforce the victim, ‘poor me’ stance that blaming often places one in. Does there need to be any blame at all?

Be on the lookout for the fundamental attribution effect.  This shows up when we excuse ourselves for the same unbecoming behavior that we blame others for doing.  We attribute or blame others’ behaviour to internal personality traits (e.g., laziness when a nail is left on their driveway resulting in a flat tire) while attributing our own behaviour to external or situational factors (e.g., the wind blew the nail onto our driveway or “I was so busy doing something else.”).

We’ll end with a question to ponder: Does there really have to be any fault or blame (in certain circumstances)?   

“He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey.

He who blames himself is halfway there.

He who blames no one has arrived.”     Chinese Proverb

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Active Imagination – Dreaming the Dream Onward

Time for some detailed work with dreams. [We can also use active imagination without using dream material, in a process discussed later in the article.]

We’ll look at how to use Jung’s concept or approach called ‘active imagination’ in working with dream characters (people, creatures, animals).  This process can be especially helpful when dreams are not resolved or when ego (or the alarm) wakes us up before the dream has ‘finished.’  As well, when we have recurring dreams, one can use active imagination to extend the dream and bring it to (or closer to) resolution.

Jung developed a method, some say an attitude, called active imagination in which a person induces a two-way dialogue with a dream figure while in a conscious state. It is a dialogue between the fully conscious waking ego and a dream figure. The experience is usually short-lived, even a mere flash sentence or two.  I find (although not in full dialogue) it can even be a clarification word, look or a few seconds more of the dream to result in a resonating felt-sense moment – “Oh, that’s it! Got it!”  The key is to let go of ego domination (so that it is not fabricating the dialogue or action) and yet not let the unconscious take over.

Jungian analyst, Robert A. Johnson, outlines four steps in active imagination.  In the first step – The Invitation – we invite the figures from our dream to reappear and invite them to converse with you.

Start by getting very relaxed, sitting or lying down. Take a few deep breaths, relax and turn inward, going back into the dream.  It is important to get into whatever emotional state you were feeling in the dream when it ended.  Be there in your body and wait with patience and openness. Allow the images to rise up.  One can either focus on a particular figure or visualize the whole situation where the dream ended. It is interesting to note that the dream may already being playing onward as you enter.

During the second step, called The Dialogue, when contact has been made with the figure, the waking person asks a question relating to the dream such as:

  • Who are you?  Why are you here?
  • What is your gift-offering- lesson?   Message?
  • What do you want/ask from me?
  • How are you here to shift my perception of myself, others, my current situation?
  • What do you need me to do? To feel?

You give yourself over to the process of imagination, saying and doing what is practical and ethical.  Remember, as Johnson suggests, one wants to show a “willingness to listen.”

Step Three – The Values – addresses the ethical and moral piece of this work. It is the task of the conscious ego to be guided by a sense of ethical limits to ensure the process stays within limits.  The ego may have to face ethical choices dealing with values, attitudes and conduct that arise in active imagination.  What an opportunity for holding the tension and for growth.

Of course, one has to be conscious of any ego inflation that may occur if ego takes on an imbalance of newly attained strength or power.  A fine balance needs to be attained between being dominated and dominating dream figures.  There is some truth and wisdom in every figure.

In step four – The Rituals – one does a physical acknowledgement or act, as one would with any dream work, of the learnings.  This does not mean living the active imagination out.  It means taking the essence of what was revealed – the insight – and integrating it into your practical day and/or symbolizing it in some manner.  For example, we don’t purchase a lion because we’ve dialogued with one, rather, we may do a quick lion poise before the day, embodying its presence and being more assertive at the upcoming meeting.

For using active imagination without dream images, we will quickly look at Maria Louise von Franz’s approach called ‘emptying the ego-mind.”  One clears the mind of all thoughts of the external world, relaxes and simply waits, “with an alert and attentive attitude, to see who or what appears.”   The key is to wait and not to judge what or who shows up.  Use the steps of ethical invitation and dialogue as noted above.

Johnson suggests that perhaps some priming can occur with this method by giving the imagination a starting point to focus on and then see what arises.  This could be a current fantasy that has your attention, a (special) place or even a current mood (that is personified by an image and using that image as the primer).

As with any inner work, relax, be curious, and enjoy the company (you!).

Resource:  Inner Work:  Using Dreams & Active Imagination for Personal Growth, Robert A. Johnson.

 

 

 

 

 

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Using Lists in Our Self-Awareness Journey

In this newsletter, we will venture to the very practical – as people often ask me, “What could I do to identify what I need to work on or to further my growth?”

While you ponder doing any of these ideas or other self-work, notice any resistance ego has to doing the suggestion, as well as taking note of what specific trait or question you are resisting.  The avoidance is often where the awareness lies.

With the use of lists to guide you, thinking about and writing down (getting the ideas OUT of your mind) ideas is a great self-directed tool.  Here are some ideas for identifying what can be looked at on your journey.

The 12-step programs (e.g., AA, NA, Alanon) use a personal inventory list that is used in a number of ways.  One way is to do a daily reflection of how certain traits showed up for you that day.  I like this format as it gives the pairs of dual traits which we all have (e.g., honesty and dishonesty, gluttony and moderation) and asks us to take ownership of all our humanness (face our shadow material) in order to increase balance in our psyches.  [I’ve posted an inventory list here https://corecounselling.ca/daily-inventory/].

There is also the need to make a list of situations and/or people that still have negative or unresolved energy.  This is toxic baggage!  You can start by writing down what situations or people still bother you.  More specifically, what are you ANGRY about?  What or whom do you RESENT?  What do you feel GUILTY about?  Are there any PROCRASTINATIONS hanging around?  Do you look at something (e.g., clothing, photo, chipped paint) and it bugs or upsets you?  Make the lists, take action if need be and clear up (process, take ownership of your part) these feelings and associated underlying thoughts.

Ego may rationalize or minimize (“No big deal.”) these feelings and situations away, yet they all weigh negatively on you, even to a small degree, and the accumulative effect is big.  Energy stuck in the past prevents moving forward.  Often when we process this material, we experience an increase in libido, feel lighter and find that life flows a bit easier.

As I have mentioned before, we can always check in with our bodies to see what unfinished business may be present.  Make a list of people (mom, dad, siblings, neighbours, friends, supervisors) and situations/times (schooling, employment, relationships, divorce) in your life and ask yourself, “As I think of this person/situation, what do I get (feelings, thoughts, body sensations) now?”  Is it a thumbs up or down?  Where do you feel any twinge?  Name that twinge (anger, guilt, sadness) and process further.

You could also do a grief and loss history.  Make a list of all the losses (deaths, moves, health limitations, relationships) throughout your life.  Do a body check as you touch base with each one.  Anything there besides the bittersweetness of grief?  Note these and further process.

On a more existential level, it may be time to solidify values, beliefs, and principles that govern your perspective on who you are, what you stand for and how you view life, death.  This can also mean clarifying your religious and spiritual foundation and connection.  Make a list of these and write down your responses.  We could even throw in “Who I am …”  and “My wants and desires/hopes” lists for review, and for action.

With any self-reflection work, remember to bring self-compassion, perhaps even forgiveness, for past actions. We are here for learning and growth.