Diane Hancox

Articles

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Revisiting Our Parents

Even if our (step)-parents are no longer alive, the body remembers our experiences with them, and our psyches can be stirred.  With Mother’s Day recently past and Father’s Day upon us, these days often evoke comfortable and uncomfortable feelings (regrets, guilt, resentments, disappointments and even anger).

Why not approach these (and any) days as consciously as possible.

Take a moment to get grounded, take a couple of deep breaths, and think of one of your parents.  What comes up?  Do a body scan and see what your body tells you?  What lingers deep inside or perhaps, right on the surface about how you feel and think about each of your parents?

In dealing with any hurt, anger and resentments, some good reflections to consider include:

  • What are your expectations (there will be some!) from your parents?
  • What need are you hoping to receive?
  • What are these expectations based upon?   (E.g., that’s what moms are supposed to do, It would be nice.)
  • Are the expectations rational?  Do they make sense based upon the history of their behaviour/abilities?
  • Look at any past/current disappointments – as disappointments are based upon unmet expectations.

Resentments are usually due to blaming others for something we did that we did not really want to do (not set a boundary) or that asks us to do something (set a boundary) that we really do not want to do.

The result is us brooding and projecting anger onto others. Clear these up!  Look at underlying reasons and beliefs that drive each resentment (e.g., If I don’t then what will people think?).

If we hold any anger towards our parents write down the reasons and specifics. If it happened as an adult, take ownership of your part in it.

If we are angry about what happened to us as a child, process the anger and no doubt, pain and sadness, around the incidents.  Name and mourn the losses – the emotions need to come OUT of the body.  This stored pain is toxic, and as discussed previously, leads to a myriad of physical and psychological dis-ease.

Know that most children, despite ‘good enough’ parenting, will emerge from childhood with pain, losses and negative adaptations (or learned conditioning or wounds or baggage). Get a clear picture, once and for all, of your parents.  Make the lists: ‘thank you’ for and ‘you could have done better.’

Note any resistance that exists in making the lists. Feel the feelings which emerge as you do this and go over and over until the feelings are no longer uncomfortable (neutral).  This will take time to process each ‘cut’.

Going further with the emotions arising from the ‘could have done better’ items, identify what you learned (the narrative) about yourself (e.g., I am bad, I am unlovable, I am not creative, etc.).  The work now is to re-parent yourself (e.g., make new and stronger positive neuropathways!) by stating the truth (e.g., I am good enough/OK, I am lovable, I am creative, etc.) over and over and over again.
Listen for any, “Yay, but …” that what to argue with the new truth.   Clear these up as well.

As long as we (including our inner child!) know and believe the truth about ourselves, and are cleared of past resentments, anger and guilt, the unpleasant memories and current dealings with parents will not haunt and trigger us. 

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The Blame Game

The concept of blame deals with not taking responsibility or ownership of our actions and intentions.

Blame is an excellent defense mechanism. Whether we call it projection, denial (“I didn’t do it!”) or displacement, blame helps preserve our sense of self-esteem by avoiding awareness of our own flaws or failings (shadow material). 

It’s often easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility. There is less effort (at least until we get better practiced at becoming humble and taking responsibility) involved in recognizing our contributions to a situation than in accepting the fact that we are actually at fault.

Further, along with accepting the responsibility comes the increased awareness and efforts to then change the behaviour so it does not happen again (or less often).  ‘More work’ (says ego) and thus, it is more efficient (at least it initially seems) not to take responsibility.

Depending on the degree of this defense, blame can result in more of an attack, falling into the category of an unhealthy conflict resolution technique where we try to actually verbally hurt others (with the blame).

Another ‘easy way out’ reason that people don’t take responsibility is that people lie. It can be relatively easy just to lie and blame someone else even though you know you’re at fault.  This is especially true when the chance of the truth not being discovered is high. One does not even have to name someone else, merely saying “It wasn’t me,” suggests that it was someone else.

With the extreme inability to take responsibility (and thus, extremely likely to blame) comes the narcissist who, in their own eyes, can do no wrong. Everything wrong that happens around or to them, whether their own fault or not, is immediately blamed on other people. There exists an unwillingness to see any part they may play in the issue or incident. Denial is rampant!

Further, gaslighting occurs when the blamer turns the story around to make it seem like others are at fault, attempting to make others feel guilty (emotional manipulation).

When there is no one who could have conceivably caused the situation, we may blame fate or God/higher power.  We may feel that we are being tested or even punished. Be careful, as this may reinforce the victim, ‘poor me’ stance that blaming often places one in. Does there need to be any blame at all?

Be on the lookout for the fundamental attribution effect.  This shows up when we excuse ourselves for the same unbecoming behavior that we blame others for doing.  We attribute or blame others’ behaviour to internal personality traits (e.g., laziness when a nail is left on their driveway resulting in a flat tire) while attributing our own behaviour to external or situational factors (e.g., the wind blew the nail onto our driveway or “I was so busy doing something else.”).

We’ll end with a question to ponder: Does there really have to be any fault or blame (in certain circumstances)?   

“He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey.

He who blames himself is halfway there.

He who blames no one has arrived.”     Chinese Proverb

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Active Imagination – Dreaming the Dream Onward

Time for some detailed work with dreams. [We can also use active imagination without using dream material, in a process discussed later in the article.]

We’ll look at how to use Jung’s concept or approach called ‘active imagination’ in working with dream characters (people, creatures, animals).  This process can be especially helpful when dreams are not resolved or when ego (or the alarm) wakes us up before the dream has ‘finished.’  As well, when we have recurring dreams, one can use active imagination to extend the dream and bring it to (or closer to) resolution.

Jung developed a method, some say an attitude, called active imagination in which a person induces a two-way dialogue with a dream figure while in a conscious state. It is a dialogue between the fully conscious waking ego and a dream figure. The experience is usually short-lived, even a mere flash sentence or two.  I find (although not in full dialogue) it can even be a clarification word, look or a few seconds more of the dream to result in a resonating felt-sense moment – “Oh, that’s it! Got it!”  The key is to let go of ego domination (so that it is not fabricating the dialogue or action) and yet not let the unconscious take over.

Jungian analyst, Robert A. Johnson, outlines four steps in active imagination.  In the first step – The Invitation – we invite the figures from our dream to reappear and invite them to converse with you.

Start by getting very relaxed, sitting or lying down. Take a few deep breaths, relax and turn inward, going back into the dream.  It is important to get into whatever emotional state you were feeling in the dream when it ended.  Be there in your body and wait with patience and openness. Allow the images to rise up.  One can either focus on a particular figure or visualize the whole situation where the dream ended. It is interesting to note that the dream may already being playing onward as you enter.

During the second step, called The Dialogue, when contact has been made with the figure, the waking person asks a question relating to the dream such as:

  • Who are you?  Why are you here?
  • What is your gift-offering- lesson?   Message?
  • What do you want/ask from me?
  • How are you here to shift my perception of myself, others, my current situation?
  • What do you need me to do? To feel?

You give yourself over to the process of imagination, saying and doing what is practical and ethical.  Remember, as Johnson suggests, one wants to show a “willingness to listen.”

Step Three – The Values – addresses the ethical and moral piece of this work. It is the task of the conscious ego to be guided by a sense of ethical limits to ensure the process stays within limits.  The ego may have to face ethical choices dealing with values, attitudes and conduct that arise in active imagination.  What an opportunity for holding the tension and for growth.

Of course, one has to be conscious of any ego inflation that may occur if ego takes on an imbalance of newly attained strength or power.  A fine balance needs to be attained between being dominated and dominating dream figures.  There is some truth and wisdom in every figure.

In step four – The Rituals – one does a physical acknowledgement or act, as one would with any dream work, of the learnings.  This does not mean living the active imagination out.  It means taking the essence of what was revealed – the insight – and integrating it into your practical day and/or symbolizing it in some manner.  For example, we don’t purchase a lion because we’ve dialogued with one, rather, we may do a quick lion poise before the day, embodying its presence and being more assertive at the upcoming meeting.

For using active imagination without dream images, we will quickly look at Maria Louise von Franz’s approach called ‘emptying the ego-mind.”  One clears the mind of all thoughts of the external world, relaxes and simply waits, “with an alert and attentive attitude, to see who or what appears.”   The key is to wait and not to judge what or who shows up.  Use the steps of ethical invitation and dialogue as noted above.

Johnson suggests that perhaps some priming can occur with this method by giving the imagination a starting point to focus on and then see what arises.  This could be a current fantasy that has your attention, a (special) place or even a current mood (that is personified by an image and using that image as the primer).

As with any inner work, relax, be curious, and enjoy the company (you!).

Resource:  Inner Work:  Using Dreams & Active Imagination for Personal Growth, Robert A. Johnson.

 

 

 

 

 

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Individuation:  Becoming Who We Truly Are

You may be familiar with author Henry David Thoreau’s saying, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” 

Thoreau metaphorically advises one to ‘be yourself,’ but what does it mean to step to one’s own music?

Psychologist Abraham Maslow used the term self-actualization to describe what he believed to be the final level of psychological development. At this stage, the full personal potential of the individual is realized. 

Carl Jung offered the concept of individuation as a psychological process that makes one truly a unique, genuine and passionate being.

Jungian author Murray Stein explained individuation as “the inner union of pieces of the psyche that were divided and split off by earlier developmental demands and processes.” 

“Demands and processes” refer to childhood wounding in which authentic parts of ourselves were repressed into the unconscious. During individuation, our outward personas – who we think we are – are introduced to our repressed shadow material. The task is to meet, take ownership and reintegrate these ‘bad’ or undervalued parts into our beings and apply them in our outer world.

Individuation involves separating ourselves from conformity and from the collective. Thoreau stated, “Let everyone mind his/[her] own business, and endeavor to be what [s]he was made.” Indeed, individuation promotes choosing from an internal reference point rather than relying upon the collective norms of what we ‘should,’ ‘have to’ or ‘must’ do. As we detach from mother, father, family and society, a loss of dependency results in personal suffering.

The sometimes painful price one pays as we continue to individuate on our journey is accepting that we are truly alone. The reward is moving towards living a life larger than our egos and the collective norms. We end up living a life more aligned with who we truly are. As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu stated, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”

Often people think individuation is self-absorbing, ego gratifying and selfish. To the contrary, it is about becoming a mature adult, responsible for our actions. As we break free from family and societal beliefs that once bound us, we are able to offer to others and community our genuine selves. As Jung stated, “individuation does not shut one out from the world, but gathers the world to itself.”

Reflections

  1. What are the ‘shoulds,’ ‘have to’s,’ and ‘musts’ that have influenced and continue to influence your life?
  2. What are the parts of yourself – the traits, labels and roles – that prevent you from stepping off your existing path onto a new, more soulful path?
  3. What qualities of yourself do you know deep down that you could offer to self, family and community? How do you feel when you think about what you could give?
  4. Society and family have a huge influence in how we live our lives. How might the family, peers and community you live among react to any change or path redirection you are contemplating?
  5. What fears surface as you contemplate increased awareness and honouring of your true desires and living more aligned to your true self?

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Unsolicited Advice: Why We Give It & Why We Don’t Like Getting It

According to John Bradshaw, “co-dependency is the most common family illness.” Co-dependence is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by a person in order to survive in a stressed or dysfunctional family.

We learned these behaviours from a dysfunctional family which involved a primary stressor such as the presence of alcoholism, depression, passive/aggressiveness, actual illness or death, abuse, or the controlling of feelings and situations. We adjusted (became ‘co’-existed) to the person/stressor which lay down the pattern of familiar behavioural co-dependent ways.

Symptoms of co-dependency include controlling behavior, perfectionism, rigidity, avoidance of and difficulty identifying feelings, boundary issues, physical illness related to stress, and hyper-vigilance.  One way of gaining control (over uneasy situations, maintaining perfectionism, avoiding chaos, etc.) is by giving unsolicited advice.

When someone shares an uncomfortable situation, the unsolicited advice-giver (consciously or unconsciously) feels anxious and is then compelled to ease their own uneasiness by offering any “should,” “you might want to” or “If it were me, I would …” In doing so, the advice-giver gains a sense that things are (or have a better chance of being) in order, manageable and predictable.  With the origins of co-dependency in abuse, trauma, chaos, or control, we see how uncertain or even somewhat troublesome situations can trigger the advice-giver to fix, help, boss others – not so much from a place of caring for others, but rather from easing their own angst.

Catch yourself wanting, almost compulsively, to give advice.  What is this really about?  It is about you feeling better about yourself (superior) that you know the answers or can help others feel better?  Co-dependents feel that they are acting in another person’s best interest which makes it difficult for them to see their hovering, interfering and controlling nature.  

For the person receiving the advice, unsolicited suggestions often trigger core wounds of inferiority – “I’m not good, smart, or capable enough.”  It weakens their sense of self and autonomy. We may get irritated, frustrated or angry.  Shame may surface.  Unsolicited advice disempowers the receiver.  At times, even a “Are you OK?” comment smacks of this.

How to handle unsolicited advice.     When the advice does come, we can acknowledge it, and let the other person know (set a boundary) that we can handle it:  “I got it, thanks.”   We may even have to state (if they persist on helping) that we are fine with making a decision, dealing with the consequences and learning whatever we do (even if the advice is ‘better’).

Sometimes the boundary has to be fully stated: “Hey friend, how about we agree to not give advice unless asked?” No fixing or judging – simply sharing, listening and being heard.  What is interesting to notice is when someone shares a situation to a non advice-giving listener, they often get insights and resolution on their own!

In the work around not giving advice (if you really can’t stop yourself!), ask permission before offering advice or suggestions. This may sound like:

  • I have some ideas about what might be helpful. Would you be interested in hearing them?
  • Are you open to suggestions?
  • Would it be most helpful for me to give you some advice or for me to listen?
  • I’ve been through something similar. Can I tell you about what worked for me?
  • Is there anything I can do to help?

 We all exhibit some degree of co-dependency in our relationships. Look for times of caretaking, feeling responsible for other’s feelings or situation, giving unsolicited advice, and being passive or nice. 

For more … check out Melody Beattie’s classic book, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself and You’re Not Crazy, You’re Co-dependent by Jeanette Elisabeth Mentor.      

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Knowing is Over-Rated

For the most part, knowing is over-rated and over used.

Knowing IS necessary for being in touch with and clarifying our feelings, wants, values, purpose, what brings us meaning and what matters.  We need to know these in order to set healthy boundaries.  However, in other situations, needing to know often gets in the way.

So, what word best describes what perspective we have instead of knowing?   Well, the obvious is … not knowing.  Perhaps this list will help differentiate the shift being asked. 

Knowing                                                      Not Knowing

linear, rigid                                                    fluid, curving

certainty                                                       uncertainty, ambiguity

planned, controlled                                      spontaneous, curious, wondering, reflective

black and white, limited                               grey, unlimited possibilities

boxed in, trapped                                         open, freeing                                               

outcome based                                            experience based

what happens if it doesn’t work out?!          just try it

perfection                                                     just do it

judgemental                                                 open minded

head                                                            heart, intuition/gut

on our time, demanding                              on nature’s/higher power’s time; patience

should be, self will                                       the way it is; God’s or Universe’s will

fear; worry                                                   trust; letting go; playful

Which list do you tend to work from?  There are often imbalances in how we operate, which too much time spent in either list bringing its own set of consequences.

What are the origins of needing to know?   Schools, good ol’ Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit-like games, as well as any expectation of knowing the latest forecast in casual conversations reinforce some level of knowledge.  Our heavily masculine-principled, left-brain culture certainly emphasizes and rewards many of the ‘knowing’ traits. The difficulty arises when “I don’t know” brings up shame, embarrassment, pain and fears of abandonment.  For many of us, ‘not knowing’ triggers negative cognitions of “not good enough,” “stupid,” or “not belonging”

And to compensate for such painful feelings and beliefs, we often strive to be good, even perfect, over ambitious, too focused on knowing, defending our knowledge, having to be right, correcting others, and proving ourselves, even to ourselves!

We Google directions – fair enough.   However, start to question the need to look up something ‘just to know’ or ‘to be right.’  Does it really matter?  Before you do, stop – How would ‘not knowing’ affect your sense of self and cause you to feel?

How comfortable are you saying, “I don’t know,” or, “I haven’t heard of that.”   

When we re-balance our having to know, it opens the door to another side of our brain and  psyche, welcoming shadow material traits (You mean I can miss the news tonight or just show and see!?) and encouraging personal growth.  

Learning to live with ambiguity is learning to live with how life really is, full of complexities and strange surprises..                  ― James Hollis

A willingness to question and wonder about, even the things we (think we) are sure about, can shake us out of complacency opening us up to understanding different and new perspectives, some we might have even previously shunned, actually preventing growth, change, and connection with others and Self. We can take a Zen or beginner’s mind, open to many possibilities, and humbling us to the mystery of what life brings rather than what we think we know.

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.  Delicious ambiguity.    – Gilda Radner