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Looking to makes some changes this year?

There are often two approaches needed when making changes.  One – stopping the behaviour we wish to decrease or eliminate, and two – introducing desired behaviours. Often dealing with one action automatically calls upon us to do the other.  For example, when we wish to stop/decrease drinking coffee, we will need to change to a new beverage. When we wish to not watch as much TV, we need to introduce desired options in lieu of this habit.

For the most part, we cannot simply stop or will-power away undesired behaviours, as this leaves a psychological and/or emotional void which often drives us back to the exact behaviour we wanted to avoid, sometimes with increased vigor.

Making a change requires a desire or motivation to change, a plan, and mindfulness.  It also requires taking each day ‘one day at a time.’  This approach relieves the pressure of “How am I going to do this (lose weight, save money, etc.) for the long-term?” All that matters is doing the change today (and then the next).

 ‘The best thing about the future is that it just comes one day at a time.”   

Abraham Lincoln

When we feel the desire to act upon an old behaviour we get short-term rewards (feel good) while we would have rather opted for long-term outcomes (e.g., better nutrition, less debt). And, when we act upon this old behaviour it only strengthens the pattern. This is called the ‘addiction cycle.’ Even if not a clinical addiction, there may be some form of dependency. 

How to break this cycle?  The less one gives in to the urge/compulsion to do the habit, the less intense the urge will be. After all, our brains are plastic and new neural pathways can be created.

Some ways to handle our habits – this is where mindfulness enters.Bring awareness to the urge.  Identify the urge to drink, go to the couch, or avoid putting on the walking shoes.  It helps to do this by identifying at-risk times when this may occur (e.g., after work, just before heading to the kitchen for certain food).  Thus, one is more apt to ‘catch’ or be mindful of the desire.

Pause.  Stop in your tracks. Breathe. Observe the parts at play – the one that wants the coffee, the one that wants to go for a walk.  Breathe again, with no judgement. Just do nothing but observe these parts.

What are these two parts saying?  Most likely there is an unrealistic thought or belief behind the habit.  E.g., “I need a drink (chips, trip to mall, etc.) after the day I’ve had!” Or, it may be a false belief about our self.  E.g., “I messed up again!” 

Dispute these irrational thoughts (they are the Ego having a difficult time with change and using minimizing, rationalizing, etc.)  Change them into the truth.  E.g., “Do I really need a drink just because I had a hard day?” [One could also question the definition of ‘hard day’ and what changes could be made to improve this situation or perception.] The new belief is: “No. A part of me feels stressed and I can do other things besides drink.” 

Name the feelings (anger, frustration, boredom, etc.) each part is experiencing. Again, with no judgement, explore the feelings.  What might you be frustrated about? There may be underlying fears which impend truly committing to something new.

When really stuck or resisting the change – ask, “What is this change really challenging me to do?” It’s more than simply drinking less coffee!

When implementing change, remember to have self-compassion and to approach change, one day at a time.  On that note …

               “I still find it almost impossible to relax for more than one day at a time.”     

Gene Kelly

For more ideas view Dr. Brewer’s Tedx talk on “A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit.”

Winter begins this year at 2:23 pm PST, December 21.  With this new season,as well as Christmas, we may as well through in the full moon on December 22, 9:50 am PST.  [Also note, Jan. 20, @ 9:17 pm PST, the full moon will be a ‘super blood wolf moon.”  

With these events in mind, I’ve suggested a couple of articles to inspire you to take the time for some year end reflection and for setting some new year intentions.  It’s enjoyable to take a full moon detox bath, setting intentions to release what is no longer needed, in order to bring in the new! 
Don’t you love winter?! …

 Facing the Dark Lord of Winter

As the number of grey skies noticeable out number the sunny days, we often hear about ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’ or SAD.Symptoms of SAD may consist of difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to over sleep and over eat (especially carbohydrates), lack of energy, difficulty concentrating, and withdrawal from friends, family and social activities. All these lead to a general lack of pleasure, a pessimistic outlook and even depression.

For some, SAD can truly be a debilitating condition. However, for those experiencing milder symptoms we can regard them as part of our psyches’ natural seasonal rhythm and cycle. Our winter ways are normal responses to the decreased light and energy output that characterize winter as a time of symbolic death and hibernation. 
 To read more ….     

An archetypal look at the Christ Child … 

Christmas offers hope through the Divine Child        

At this time of year, many people celebrate Christmas and the birth of the child of God, Jesus. As with any child that appears in dreams or myths, it usually signals the emergence of previously unknown psychic material into consciousness. What is the Christ child trying to bring into our consciousness?
 
Archetypically, the child appears in many forms such as the Orphan, the Innocent, and the Magical Child. The Christ Child celebrated at Christmas, as with Buddha, Krishna, and Mohammed, is the Divine Child in that it possesses a special gift, born with great destiny. He is the hero, the true Self, ready to be fully realized. He is a symbol of future hopes, potentiality, newness and even redemption.
 
Psychologically, the Christmas Nativity scene presents the possibility of human wholeness. Christmas occurs during the winter solstice, the darkest and coldest point of winter. Symbolically, what is needed when we are in our darkest and most unconscious times is the Divine Child; one whom brings light in the form of increased consciousness, new feelings and ideas. He or she provides hope.
 
Christmas offers annual hope of the emergence of new developments in our psyches.
To read more …     

Wishing you a safe and enjoyable holiday time with Self, family and friends.  

Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) Questionnaire

Answer ‘Yes’ or  ‘No’ to the following questions.

While you were growing up, during your first 18 years of life:

1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often …
   Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you?
   or
   Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often …
   Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you?
   or
   Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?

   3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever…
   Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way?
   or
   Try to or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal sex with you?

   4. Did you often feel that …
   No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special?
   or
   Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?

   5. Did you often feel that …
   You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you?
   or
   Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?

   6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced?

   7. Was your mother or stepmother:
   Often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her?
   or
   Sometimes or often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard?
   or
   Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?

   8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic or who used street drugs?

   9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill or did a household member attempt suicide?

   10. Did a household member go to prison?

   Now add up your “Yes” answers: _______ This is your ACE Score.

What does your ACE score mean?

What exactly is Depth Psychology?

Depth Psychology deals with unconscious feelings, thoughts and behaviours. It can also be seen as the psychology of the soul. In practice depth psychology seeks to explore the underlying motives behind our behaviours.

Although Depth Psychology is usually associated with the founding psychoanalysts Sigmund Freud and C. G. Jung, it is found in the post-modern schools of thought of Gestalt, Archetypal and Imaginal Psychology.

Jungian psychotherapy is based upon the works of the Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961). Jung founded a distinct school of psychotherapy based upon concepts often heard in conversation such as introvert and extravert, synchronicity, archetype, shadow, complex and individuation.

A great resource of Jungian definitions is the Jung Lexicon by Daryl Sharp.

Some features of Depth Psychology include …

The Structure of the Psyche

The term psyche refers to all conscious and unconscious processes.

The conscious is defined as all thoughts and feelings which are known to you, the ‘I’ or the ego (the centre of consciousness). The ego is your day-to-day sense of your personality, your personal history and who you are.

The unconscious is a vast collection of thoughts and emotions that have been repressed and hidden from your awareness. Although you are not aware of this inner material the thoughts and feelings influence your outer behaviour. The contents of the unconscious can be revealed in:

• dreams
• day fantasies
• impulses
• body gestures
• slips of the tongue
• metaphor
• expressive arts

The Self  is the centre of the psyche, just as the ego is the centre of consciousness. Its role is of balance, coherence, and integration of the psychic contents.

The shadow is a part of the unconscious which represents parts of the psyche that are seen as undesirable. You can see signs of the shadow in unintentional slips, in aspects of your Self that others see and you do not, in qualities of others that you overreact to, and in your dreams. The shadow represents all qualities the ego deems unworthy, be them greed, fear of failure, or creative potential.

Unconscious material can be further divided into personal and collective material. The personal unconscious consists of lost memories, painful repressed thoughts and other perceptions of your personal history that are not ready to reach consciousness.
The collective unconscious is the universal matter of the psyche and represents drives and themes that are common to most cultures. Here you will find archetypal images and themes. Archetypes are common figures (i.e. Mother Earth, Wise Man, Victim, Hero), obects and situations (i.e. death, fear, loss) that have a mythic aspect to them.

The Function of the Psyche

Unconscious material has a creative and healing function and is necessary for psychological well-being. The psyche can be viewed as a mediator between inner and outer worlds. It knows both conscious (what the ego/you knows) and unconscious material (what the ego/you does not know).

The psyche chooses qualities of your Self that need to be incorporated in order to create balance or to downplay overused, no longer needed attitudes and behaviours.

The task is to integrate these previously unknown qualities of your Self into your consciousness or daily awareness. In this way the psyche acts as a self-regulating and compensatory function. It offers helpful and profound insights about how you are dealing with current situations in order for personal growth to occur.

 The Psyche Speaks Using Images

Jung stated that, “The psyche consists essentially of images.” Images come to you in dreams, during spontaneous day fantasies, through impulses, body gestures, slips of the tongues, metaphor and expressive arts. It is important to honour these images by writing or drawing them down or remembering them throughout your day.

One of the difficulties in working with unconscious material is that it often appears to be makes little sense. This is because the psyche speaks using symbols to be worked with in an abstract way much like you would experience a piece of art, poem or music. The key is not to interpret or try to figure out the images, but to be curious, holding and playing with the images. Try to sense the overall feel or themes in the images.

For example, death in a dream rarely indicates real death. By looking at death symbolically, other associations to death can be made such as dying, discontinuation, life and death, burying something no longer needed. You can then start to ask yourself, what part of my psyche is no longer needed? What currently held attitude, belief or behaviour is old, ready for death and needs to be buried?

How Symptoms are Viewed

Important for most depth psychotherapists is the way of viewing symptoms (i.e. depression, anger, addiction, body symptoms).  People develop symptoms and experience suffering when they are stuck in old patterns. Symptoms are not to be ignored or covered up. During therapy, a curious, non-judgmental look at symptoms occurs in order to understand their previously unknown meaning. In this way, suffering can lead the way to healing.

“There is no illness that is not at the same time an unsuccessful attempt at a cure.”   – Jung

The Process of Individuation

As more unconscious material is brought into awareness and integrated into your life, you begin to make decisions and interact with others in ways which rely less upon conventional attitudes or upon the approval of others. This integration of unconscious material is called individuation. It results in what some call self-realization or self-actualization.

Although much time is spent on exploring and developing aspects of your Self this does not mean that relationships are unimportant. From a depth perspective, the more individuation that occurs the more meaningful relationships and every day situations become.

Compassion means being able to recognize suffering and to be supportive of the pain. We can be compassionate for others as well as for self.

Thupten Jinpa (the Dalai Lama’s principal English translator and author of the course Compassion Cultivation Training) suggests that compassion is a four-step process:
1. Awareness of suffering.
2. Sympathetic concern related to being emotionally moved by suffering.
3. Wish to see the relief of that suffering.
4. Responsiveness or readiness to help relieve that suffering.

Which step challenges you? And why? What inner messages emerge that prevent or balk that step?

The 1st step: Recognizing how we suffer. Suffering can take the form of: physical pain, embarrassment, being afraid, making a mistake, vulnerability, grief, despair, etc. Often we minimize, rationalize, deny and hide our and others’ angst, pain and suffering. This avoidance is perhaps because of the pain it evokes in us and the task it asks us to do – to relieve such pain.

Interestingly, often by simply naming the suffering, all four steps have been taken. This is because one huge childhood wound is that a central caregiver was not emotionally attuned enough and thus, we were left to suffer on our own. Our suffering has been heard and more importantly, acknowledged. No one has to fix it – yet can someone merely, simply acknowledge (verbally name, send a card, donate, etc.) it!

What does it take to be compassionate? Here is an inventory of the skills and attributes which are needed to aid our compassion with self and others. Identify which need some additional work for you.
• Kindness
• Attunement to feelings
• Boundary setting
• Stop negative talk
• Savour pleasurable moments
• Take responsibility – make amends if needed, apologize
• Stop judgements – no good or bad; just is
• Self-care … being good to our self (sing, nap or merely lie down for 20 min., stretch more, baths, smell soothing scents, watch those negative messages!)
• Acceptance of who we are; our limitations; our gifts; perfectly imperfect
• Acceptance of people, places and things/situations
• Realistic expectations of others and self
• Letting go of anger and resentments
• Forgiveness of self and others (hard to do when others have hurt us, especially when we were children)

As you read the list, the attribute ‘biggies’ are: acts of kindness, acceptance/non-judgemental, self-care, taking responsibility/humility, boundary setting/assertiveness, and letting go of expectations. What could you do today to help your compassion for self and others?

How well are you able to be compassionate with yourself? Let’s start.
• Place your hand(s) lovingly on your heart.
• Tell yourself something positive about yourself.
• Look yourself in the mirror and say ‘I love you’ (or something else positive).
• At the end of day, journal/say aloud …one thing you did well that day.

Were any of these difficult to do? Where did you notice any resistance? What messages might have emerged? (e.g., Don’t have time. What’s the point? It really doesn’t matter.)

Why is it so hard to be self-compassionate?
Some people do not feel safe being kind to themselves. If may feel awkward, downright uncomfortable or even stressful. Others feel weak, vulnerable or even selfish and guilty. Those with abusive pasts can mistrust kindness as it was often from the hands of a betraying parent or nurturer. Further, most of us were not modelled acts of compassion. Reflect upon your family of origin’s messages of compassion. How were people (and even animals) treated in times of need? How was self-care shown (thoughts and behaviours)?

Take a self-compassionate assessment from researcher Kristen Neff (Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself) https://self-compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/

As the holiday season approaches, we are often asked to show compassion. Discerningly decide what this will look like for you.