Individuation/Stages of Life

You may be familiar with author Henry David Thoreau’s saying, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” 

Thoreau metaphorically advises one to ‘be yourself,’ but what does it mean to step to one’s own music?

Psychologist Abraham Maslow used the term self-actualization to describe what he believed to be the final level of psychological development. At this stage, the full personal potential of the individual is realized. 

Carl Jung offered the concept of individuation as a psychological process that makes one truly a unique, genuine and passionate being.

Jungian author Murray Stein explained individuation as “the inner union of pieces of the psyche that were divided and split off by earlier developmental demands and processes.” 

“Demands and processes” refer to childhood wounding in which authentic parts of ourselves were repressed into the unconscious. During individuation, our outward personas – who we think we are – are introduced to our repressed shadow material. The task is to meet, take ownership and reintegrate these ‘bad’ or undervalued parts into our beings and apply them in our outer world.

Individuation involves separating ourselves from conformity and from the collective. Thoreau stated, “Let everyone mind his/[her] own business, and endeavor to be what [s]he was made.” Indeed, individuation promotes choosing from an internal reference point rather than relying upon the collective norms of what we ‘should,’ ‘have to’ or ‘must’ do. As we detach from mother, father, family and society, a loss of dependency results in personal suffering.

The sometimes painful price one pays as we continue to individuate on our journey is accepting that we are truly alone. The reward is moving towards living a life larger than our egos and the collective norms. We end up living a life more aligned with who we truly are. As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu stated, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”

Often people think individuation is self-absorbing, ego gratifying and selfish. To the contrary, it is about becoming a mature adult, responsible for our actions. As we break free from family and societal beliefs that once bound us, we are able to offer to others and community our genuine selves. As Jung stated, “individuation does not shut one out from the world, but gathers the world to itself.”

Reflections

1. What are the ‘shoulds,’ ‘have to’s,’ and ‘musts’ that have influenced and continue to influence your life?
2. What are the parts of yourself – the traits, labels and roles – that prevent you from stepping off your existing path onto a new, more soulful path?
3. What qualities of yourself do you know deep down that you could offer to self, family and community? How do you feel when you think about what you could give?
4. Society and family have a huge influence in how we live our lives. How might the family, peers and community you live among react to any change or path redirection you are contemplating?
5. What fears surface as you contemplate increased awareness and honouring of your true desires and living more aligned to your true self?

The poet e.e. cummings wrote, “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” However, what does being a mature adult entail?

It means psychologically and emotionally separating from our parents and others, even institutions or careers, which have previously provided a sense of security. As we individuate – choose our own path based upon our inner needs and desires – we begin to separate from past reliances. This creates a sense of loss, even fear, causing us to often stay where we are, comfortable with our past dependency and security. We remain tied to old beliefs and to others instead of venturing out on our own.

According to psychologist Dr. Firestone, the main reason why many of us don’t want to grow up is the ‘fantasy bond.’ Early in life, children form the illusion that parents offer a degree of safety and security in order to reduce feelings of emotional discomfort or frustration caused by childhood wounding (e.g., deprivation, rejection, separation, and overwhelment). Our parents held the archetypal authority of Mother and Father, the ones that will protect us. However, experience told us otherwise; and yet, we still yearn for it.

We cling to this unreasonable belief (fantasy bond) that something or someone will take care of us, instead of realizing that we alone are fully responsible for our well-being.  We place expectations on partners, friends, church, and employers (e.g., pensions, benefits) to provide security. The extent to which we rely on external sources to take care of us is proportional to the degree of psychological pain we experienced in our childhoods.

What are the consequences of not growing up? A.H. Almass observed that “All the difficulties you experience, all the problems you have, exist, quite simply, because you don’t want to grow up.”

When we depend upon external sources to fulfill our needs, we forfeit our responsibility for getting our needs met.  We then act from a child’s perspective, regressing into pouting (‘poor me’) or even tantrums, blaming or trying to manipulate others. We will drink, shop, and eat to numb our hurt instead of facing the discomfort.

To dispel the fantasy bond, we must learn to take responsibility for our feelings and actions. As psychiatrist Murray Bowen observed, mature adults “are able to distinguish between the feeling process and the intellectual process…and [have] the ability to choose between having one’s functioning guided by feelings or by thoughts.”

Emotionally mature people do not get defensive, angry or use unhealthy coping mechanisms when unpleasant situations arise.  They readily explore new ideas, welcome constructive criticism, and seek to expand their self-knowledge. They are connected to and trust their inner source of wisdom and authority – a set of inner parents who benevolently support the fulfillment of their needs.

Psychoanalyst David Peretz stated, “Loss is an integral part of human existence, a fact which has profound consequences from birth to death.” However, what exactly are these consequences?

Losses are usually accompanied by a sense of grief, a feeling many people are uncomfortable with. We may feel out of sorts, confused, restless, depressed, angry and sad, or fearful of the future and all its unknowns.

We protect ourselves from grief by not looking at and acknowledging all the associated losses that come with each loss. Sure, we lose a loved one or job, yet we also may have lost a sense of security, our social connections, and our role as spouse, loyal employee or family bread winner (to name a few). Who will laugh at our jokes now? Where will we get our daily smiles of appreciation, love and support?

Rabbi David Wolpe noted, “The frightening thing about loss is what we do to ourselves to avoid it. We know we cannot live without losing, but this knowledge does not prevent us from seeking to protect ourselves.”

We further protect ourselves by trying to keep things ‘the same’ or ‘normal.’  We avoid facing both the emotions and reality of the loss with distractions and medications, with shopping, drinking or with other emotionally numbing or avoiding activities.

However, the reality of any significant loss means realizing we must change. Loss calls, even demands, us to examine our lives with the opportunity for growth and transformation. And this approach to loss takes courage.

As depth psychotherapist Robert Romanyshyn stated, we go “into the winter country of the soul in grief, a place for which there are no maps. It takes courage to endure the grieving process when everything in our culture is aimed at getting you past it as quickly as possible.”

And so, another way of handling grief is by being still, turning inward, and consciously discerning what activities, relationships and way of living we now want to live by. If things must change, then what will they be? We start by asking, ‘What really matters to me now?’

Peretz’ “profound consequences” refer to this very opportunity of change.  We grieve the loss of what was and reinvest in what can be. This process eventually brings about growth, renewal and transformation.

The political poet Tuli Kupferberg stated, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.” However, it will be messy, chaotic and challenging. There will be resistance, wrestling with what was and what psyche may be deep down calling for. Recall the ever present sacrifice-death-rebirth cycle. There cannot be change, something new, without a letting go and a loss of some aspect of our selves.