Diane Hancox

Self Awareness

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The Summer of 2021: Coming Back with Intention

As most of us will continue to experience the on-going lifting of Covid-19 restrictions, as well as perhaps having more time with the longer days of summer, why not approach these months with focused intention.

Let’s reflect on what that time may have been about from a psychological perspective.

We were all affected to some degree by the pandemic.  Our personal anxieties and fears were triggered, and no doubt amplified by the overall global (anxious) situation.  Our psyches were challenged, some of us truly entering the depths of our soul.  For some, it was re-traumatizing.  Many childhood wounds were activated, whether we were dealing with job and financial losses, government decisions, media coverage, and/or medical and safety concerns, etc.

We were asked to face our fears, to let go of some beliefs that no longer served us, learn what matters more or most, and to symbolically do some shedding of skins (personas or masks) that no longer fit who we are (this time round).

I say, ‘This time round’ as what we likely experienced was the cyclical process called the Hero’s Journey.  The pandemic (fate) initiated the call, whether we wanted it or not.  We resisted and yet, we had to go.  Into the depths we went – and faced some inner monsters (fears, parts of self, etc.) along the way.  We used all the tools and skills we had, gaining insights and clarity (treasures) along the way.

So, as we ‘return to normal,’ we hear that the normal will be a ‘new’ normal.  And rightfully so. IF we have gone into the depths, humbled into parts of our self, clarified our beliefs, and emerged with some gifts (truths) of self, we will return with vigor and new confidence in who we are and what we have to offer or bring to the world (service).

So, back to the summer.  What will you focus on?

What (fears, beliefs, negative cognitions, etc.) did you face and wrestle with during the pandemic?

What insights or lessons were learned?

How will you honour and integrate (prioritize and focus on) these new insights into your daily life?
How will you BE and what will you DO?

What did you learn?  For some, it was an appreciation of time by self and with children/family. Some learned that spending less (saving) was possible, preparing meals (and other food stuff) brought pleasure and increased energy, and spending more time in nature brought increased peace.  For others, cutting back on work led to better quality of life. 

We realized what and whom matters most and did some sorting of relationships, priorities and values.

And so, whatever insights you discovered, the task is to bring these new understandings forward, living your new, more integral, way in your relationships and community.

Part of my ‘Summer of 2021’ will be the production and launching of the on-line material I’ve been developing.  It has been a process!   The 4-Module program, now called Honing Your Sword will launch September 1st.  Find out about the content here.   August’s newsletter will give pre-launch details and an introductory price.

All the best to your Summer of 2021.  Peace

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The Blame Game

The concept of blame deals with not taking responsibility or ownership of our actions and intentions.

Blame is an excellent defense mechanism. Whether we call it projection, denial (“I didn’t do it!”) or displacement, blame helps preserve our sense of self-esteem by avoiding awareness of our own flaws or failings (shadow material). 

It’s often easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility. There is less effort (at least until we get better practiced at becoming humble and taking responsibility) involved in recognizing our contributions to a situation than in accepting the fact that we are actually at fault.

Further, along with accepting the responsibility comes the increased awareness and efforts to then change the behaviour so it does not happen again (or less often).  ‘More work’ (says ego) and thus, it is more efficient (at least it initially seems) not to take responsibility.

Depending on the degree of this defense, blame can result in more of an attack, falling into the category of an unhealthy conflict resolution technique where we try to actually verbally hurt others (with the blame).

Another ‘easy way out’ reason that people don’t take responsibility is that people lie. It can be relatively easy just to lie and blame someone else even though you know you’re at fault.  This is especially true when the chance of the truth not being discovered is high. One does not even have to name someone else, merely saying “It wasn’t me,” suggests that it was someone else.

With the extreme inability to take responsibility (and thus, extremely likely to blame) comes the narcissist who, in their own eyes, can do no wrong. Everything wrong that happens around or to them, whether their own fault or not, is immediately blamed on other people. There exists an unwillingness to see any part they may play in the issue or incident. Denial is rampant!

Further, gaslighting occurs when the blamer turns the story around to make it seem like others are at fault, attempting to make others feel guilty (emotional manipulation).

When there is no one who could have conceivably caused the situation, we may blame fate or God/higher power.  We may feel that we are being tested or even punished. Be careful, as this may reinforce the victim, ‘poor me’ stance that blaming often places one in. Does there need to be any blame at all?

Be on the lookout for the fundamental attribution effect.  This shows up when we excuse ourselves for the same unbecoming behavior that we blame others for doing.  We attribute or blame others’ behaviour to internal personality traits (e.g., laziness when a nail is left on their driveway resulting in a flat tire) while attributing our own behaviour to external or situational factors (e.g., the wind blew the nail onto our driveway or “I was so busy doing something else.”).

We’ll end with a question to ponder: Does there really have to be any fault or blame (in certain circumstances)?   

“He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey.

He who blames himself is halfway there.

He who blames no one has arrived.”     Chinese Proverb

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Using Lists in Our Self-Awareness Journey

In this newsletter, we will venture to the very practical – as people often ask me, “What could I do to identify what I need to work on or to further my growth?”

While you ponder doing any of these ideas or other self-work, notice any resistance ego has to doing the suggestion, as well as taking note of what specific trait or question you are resisting.  The avoidance is often where the awareness lies.

With the use of lists to guide you, thinking about and writing down (getting the ideas OUT of your mind) ideas is a great self-directed tool.  Here are some ideas for identifying what can be looked at on your journey.

The 12-step programs (e.g., AA, NA, Alanon) use a personal inventory list that is used in a number of ways.  One way is to do a daily reflection of how certain traits showed up for you that day.  I like this format as it gives the pairs of dual traits which we all have (e.g., honesty and dishonesty, gluttony and moderation) and asks us to take ownership of all our humanness (face our shadow material) in order to increase balance in our psyches.  [I’ve posted an inventory list here https://corecounselling.ca/daily-inventory/].

There is also the need to make a list of situations and/or people that still have negative or unresolved energy.  This is toxic baggage!  You can start by writing down what situations or people still bother you.  More specifically, what are you ANGRY about?  What or whom do you RESENT?  What do you feel GUILTY about?  Are there any PROCRASTINATIONS hanging around?  Do you look at something (e.g., clothing, photo, chipped paint) and it bugs or upsets you?  Make the lists, take action if need be and clear up (process, take ownership of your part) these feelings and associated underlying thoughts.

Ego may rationalize or minimize (“No big deal.”) these feelings and situations away, yet they all weigh negatively on you, even to a small degree, and the accumulative effect is big.  Energy stuck in the past prevents moving forward.  Often when we process this material, we experience an increase in libido, feel lighter and find that life flows a bit easier.

As I have mentioned before, we can always check in with our bodies to see what unfinished business may be present.  Make a list of people (mom, dad, siblings, neighbours, friends, supervisors) and situations/times (schooling, employment, relationships, divorce) in your life and ask yourself, “As I think of this person/situation, what do I get (feelings, thoughts, body sensations) now?”  Is it a thumbs up or down?  Where do you feel any twinge?  Name that twinge (anger, guilt, sadness) and process further.

You could also do a grief and loss history.  Make a list of all the losses (deaths, moves, health limitations, relationships) throughout your life.  Do a body check as you touch base with each one.  Anything there besides the bittersweetness of grief?  Note these and further process.

On a more existential level, it may be time to solidify values, beliefs, and principles that govern your perspective on who you are, what you stand for and how you view life, death.  This can also mean clarifying your religious and spiritual foundation and connection.  Make a list of these and write down your responses.  We could even throw in “Who I am …”  and “My wants and desires/hopes” lists for review, and for action.

With any self-reflection work, remember to bring self-compassion, perhaps even forgiveness, for past actions. We are here for learning and growth.

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Putting Your Ideas into Action

As we begin 2021, even if for some, a very different start of the year with the pandemic happening, we do tend to think about hopes and changes for the year. Ideas and possibilities (perhaps limited by external factors) arise.

The word possibility originates from the Latin word possibilis which means ‘that which can be done.’ Its root is from posse – to be able. Interestingly, possibility is also linked to the word potent – that which is possible. Potent is the power, the ability and the capability and is historically linked to the masculine concepts of master and husband.

Having potential is having the power or strength to put into action whatever you choose. It is about having self-efficacy or a belief that you are capable and competent in doing what you set out to do. Notice, it is that which is possible, not that which is actual. So how does one move from all the ideas and possibilities to seeing them actually happen?

Regardless of gender, our inner feminine Idea-Maker side ponders, creates the ideas, makes the list and brings those wonderful feelings of hope and possibility to any situation. However, we need to complement this side with an inner masculine force whose role is to put these ideas into action. We require the inner masculine Doer.

Depending upon the task, we may need a specific Doer. For example, we may want to call upon the Engineer – as he has the ability to convert creative ideas into practical expression. You may want to tweak his energy into the Designer. If wanting to tackle your fitness or physical health, you may turn to the Athlete, calling up his personal willpower and strength.

Find pictures of your inner masculine and post them in a spot you often see. There may even be a character from real life or fiction that you are wanting some of that trait from. Learn his wisdom. Call up his energy and qualities along side you as you tackle your ideas.

Often when we do not do something, fear is present. Take a moment to name your fears (Recall the types of fear: death, the unknown, rejection, being alone, and lack of control). Identify what part of you is afraid and why it does not want this specific change to happen. Try to find the original source of the fear. Remember, you were not born with this fear.

Also, identify any underling beliefs about the situation or yourself that might be sabotaging or blocking any motivation, starting or progress. These could sound like, “I can’t,” “I don’t deserve,” or “Someone won’t like it.”  This is the deeper reason that tasks don’t get done (or even started!).  Work with these – “I can!” “I do derive!” and “Does not matter, I like it!”

On a practical note, break your ideas down into separate steps. Set a goal of doing even five minutes of the idea – say, walking, tackling the weeds, or phoning people. By doing something you’ve shifted the energy away from being stuck in the feminine pondering mode to the masculine doing mode. You’ll be surprised how five minutes may turn into more! 

As you do the task keep the feminine attitude of spontaneity and of merely ‘seeing where this takes me.’ Bring the masculine back by stopping and doing a quick analysis of how the plan is going. Give yourself permission to change and tweak. Go where your energy and the flow go – often the steps don’t have to be done in order. Let go of outcome expectations and enjoy the process rather than the final product.

Diane Hancox is a counsellor & presenter based in Parksville, B.C, Canada. For more information see corecounselling.ca. 

 

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Individuation:  Becoming Who We Truly Are

You may be familiar with author Henry David Thoreau’s saying, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” 

Thoreau metaphorically advises one to ‘be yourself,’ but what does it mean to step to one’s own music?

Psychologist Abraham Maslow used the term self-actualization to describe what he believed to be the final level of psychological development. At this stage, the full personal potential of the individual is realized. 

Carl Jung offered the concept of individuation as a psychological process that makes one truly a unique, genuine and passionate being.

Jungian author Murray Stein explained individuation as “the inner union of pieces of the psyche that were divided and split off by earlier developmental demands and processes.” 

“Demands and processes” refer to childhood wounding in which authentic parts of ourselves were repressed into the unconscious. During individuation, our outward personas – who we think we are – are introduced to our repressed shadow material. The task is to meet, take ownership and reintegrate these ‘bad’ or undervalued parts into our beings and apply them in our outer world.

Individuation involves separating ourselves from conformity and from the collective. Thoreau stated, “Let everyone mind his/[her] own business, and endeavor to be what [s]he was made.” Indeed, individuation promotes choosing from an internal reference point rather than relying upon the collective norms of what we ‘should,’ ‘have to’ or ‘must’ do. As we detach from mother, father, family and society, a loss of dependency results in personal suffering.

The sometimes painful price one pays as we continue to individuate on our journey is accepting that we are truly alone. The reward is moving towards living a life larger than our egos and the collective norms. We end up living a life more aligned with who we truly are. As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu stated, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”

Often people think individuation is self-absorbing, ego gratifying and selfish. To the contrary, it is about becoming a mature adult, responsible for our actions. As we break free from family and societal beliefs that once bound us, we are able to offer to others and community our genuine selves. As Jung stated, “individuation does not shut one out from the world, but gathers the world to itself.”

Reflections

  1. What are the ‘shoulds,’ ‘have to’s,’ and ‘musts’ that have influenced and continue to influence your life?
  2. What are the parts of yourself – the traits, labels and roles – that prevent you from stepping off your existing path onto a new, more soulful path?
  3. What qualities of yourself do you know deep down that you could offer to self, family and community? How do you feel when you think about what you could give?
  4. Society and family have a huge influence in how we live our lives. How might the family, peers and community you live among react to any change or path redirection you are contemplating?
  5. What fears surface as you contemplate increased awareness and honouring of your true desires and living more aligned to your true self?