Diane Hancox

Relationships

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Unsolicited Advice: Why We Give It & Why We Don’t Like Getting It

According to John Bradshaw, “co-dependency is the most common family illness.” Co-dependence is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by a person in order to survive in a stressed or dysfunctional family.

We learned these behaviours from a dysfunctional family which involved a primary stressor such as the presence of alcoholism, depression, passive/aggressiveness, actual illness or death, abuse, or the controlling of feelings and situations. We adjusted (became ‘co’-existed) to the person/stressor which lay down the pattern of familiar behavioural co-dependent ways.

Symptoms of co-dependency include controlling behavior, perfectionism, rigidity, avoidance of and difficulty identifying feelings, boundary issues, physical illness related to stress, and hyper-vigilance.  One way of gaining control (over uneasy situations, maintaining perfectionism, avoiding chaos, etc.) is by giving unsolicited advice.

When someone shares an uncomfortable situation, the unsolicited advice-giver (consciously or unconsciously) feels anxious and is then compelled to ease their own uneasiness by offering any “should,” “you might want to” or “If it were me, I would …” In doing so, the advice-giver gains a sense that things are (or have a better chance of being) in order, manageable and predictable.  With the origins of co-dependency in abuse, trauma, chaos, or control, we see how uncertain or even somewhat troublesome situations can trigger the advice-giver to fix, help, boss others – not so much from a place of caring for others, but rather from easing their own angst.

Catch yourself wanting, almost compulsively, to give advice.  What is this really about?  It is about you feeling better about yourself (superior) that you know the answers or can help others feel better?  Co-dependents feel that they are acting in another person’s best interest which makes it difficult for them to see their hovering, interfering and controlling nature.  

For the person receiving the advice, unsolicited suggestions often trigger core wounds of inferiority – “I’m not good, smart, or capable enough.”  It weakens their sense of self and autonomy. We may get irritated, frustrated or angry.  Shame may surface.  Unsolicited advice disempowers the receiver.  At times, even a “Are you OK?” comment smacks of this.

How to handle unsolicited advice.     When the advice does come, we can acknowledge it, and let the other person know (set a boundary) that we can handle it:  “I got it, thanks.”   We may even have to state (if they persist on helping) that we are fine with making a decision, dealing with the consequences and learning whatever we do (even if the advice is ‘better’).

Sometimes the boundary has to be fully stated: “Hey friend, how about we agree to not give advice unless asked?” No fixing or judging – simply sharing, listening and being heard.  What is interesting to notice is when someone shares a situation to a non advice-giving listener, they often get insights and resolution on their own!

In the work around not giving advice (if you really can’t stop yourself!), ask permission before offering advice or suggestions. This may sound like:

  • I have some ideas about what might be helpful. Would you be interested in hearing them?
  • Are you open to suggestions?
  • Would it be most helpful for me to give you some advice or for me to listen?
  • I’ve been through something similar. Can I tell you about what worked for me?
  • Is there anything I can do to help?

 We all exhibit some degree of co-dependency in our relationships. Look for times of caretaking, feeling responsible for other’s feelings or situation, giving unsolicited advice, and being passive or nice. 

For more … check out Melody Beattie’s classic book, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself and You’re Not Crazy, You’re Co-dependent by Jeanette Elisabeth Mentor.      

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Mother’s & Father’s Days – Revisiting Our Parents

With Mother’s Day recently past and Father’s Day upon us, these days often evoke comfortable and uncomfortable feelings. Fond remembrances and pleasant current happenings can be shadowed by past and present regrets, guilt, resentments, disappointments and even anger. 
 
Take a moment to get grounded, take a couple of deep breaths, and think of each of your parents.  What comes up?  Do a body scan and see what your body tells you?  What lingers deep inside or perhaps, right on the surface about how you feel and think about your parents?
 
We often already dread the time with parents and other family members, feeling obligation, duty and ‘having to’ call or do something when our heart is not fully into it.  Even if our parents are no longer alive, the body remembers and our psyches can be stirred as these dates come and pass.  Why not approach these days as consciously as possible.
 
Whether a parent or adult child, some good reflections to consider include …
 
What are your expectations (there will be some!) from others?
What are these expectations based upon?   (past, societal, etc.)
Are the expectations rational?  Do they make sense based upon history, the people and circumstances?
Look at any past/current disappointments – as disappointments are based upon unmet expectations.
 
Consider these resentments; either from the past or currently (e.g., resent giving up your Sunday).
Resentments are usually due to blaming others for something we did that we did not really want to do (not set a boundary) or that asks us to do something (set a boundary) that we really do not want to do.
The result is us brooding and projecting anger onto others. Clear these up!   Look at underlying reasons and beliefs that drive the resentments (e.g., If I don’t then what will people think?).
 
If we hold any anger towards our parents or adult children write down the reasons and specifics. If it happened as an adult, take ownership of your part in it.
 
If we are angry about what happened to us as a child, process the anger and no doubt, pain and sadness, around the incidents.  Name and mourn the losses.  This stored pain (and often the corresponding negative belief about ourselves) is our “pain body” (E. Tolle) or trauma body.  Call it what you want, the emotions needs to come OUT of the body.  This stored pain is toxic, and as discussed previously, leads to a myriad of physical and psychologically dis-ease.
 
Know that most children, despite ‘good enough’ parenting, will emerge from childhood with pain, losses and negative adaptations (or learned conditioning or wounds or baggage).  Get a clear picture, once and for all, of your parents.  Make the lists: ‘thank you’ for and ‘could have done better’.   Feel the feelings which emerge as you do this and go over and over until the feelings are no longer uncomfortable (neutral).  
 
Going beyond the emotions arising from the ‘could have done better’ items, identify what you learned about yourself (e.g., I am bad, I am unlovable, I am not creative, etc.).  The work now is to re-parent yourself (e.g., make new and stronger positive neuropathways!) by stating the truth (e.g., I am good enough/OK, I am lovable, I am creative, etc.) over and over and over again.
 
As long as we (including our inner child!) know and believe the truth about ourselves, and are cleared of past resentments, anger and guilt, the unpleasant memories and current dealings with parents will not haunt and trigger us.  We will not dread these calendar (or any other) events; rather, we will simple be present.
 

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Co-Dependent Tendencies

According to John Bradshaw, “co-dependency is the most common family illness.” Co-dependence is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by a person in order to survive in a stressed or dysfunctional family.

Dysfunctional families involve a primary stressor such as the presence of alcoholism, depression, passive/aggressiveness, actual illness or death, abuse, or the controlling of feelings and situations. The family member who exhibits the stressor creates a threat to other members who must now adjust.

In an attempt to control the stress, members adapt to the person using ‘fight, flight or freeze’ coping mechanisms. This adaptation creates the co-dependency in that a person changes his/her behaviour due to the behaviour of another and to gain some sense of control.

Some coping mechanisms include denial (“Oh, there’s nothing wrong here.”), withdrawal (emotional shut down, passivity), reactivity (anger) or re-enacting the behaviour (start to drink). These adapting behaviours become engrained in our childhood psyches and remain long after the stressor is removed (e.g., we move out, parent dies) and continue into adulthood.

Symptoms of co-dependency include controlling behavior, distrust in self and/or others, perfectionism, rigidity, avoidance of and difficulty identifying feelings, boundary issues, physical illness related to stress, and hyper-vigilance.

A common sign of co-dependency is the extreme need for approval and recognition. This often manifests in caregiving, often with an exaggerated sense of responsibility for others, a fear of being abandoned or being alone, and the tendency to do more than the share, often becoming hurt when people don’t recognize these efforts.

Co-dependent people have a greater tendency to enter into relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable or needy. The co-dependent relinquishes his or her needs and desires, setting up a parent-child dynamic.

Co-dependents feel that they are acting in another person’s best interest which makes it difficult for them to see their hovering, interfering and controlling nature.  Although the intentions seem good, the focussing on others weakens the co-dependent’s sense of self and autonomy. In this way, co-dependents set themselves up for continual lack of fulfillment and have taken on a martyr role.

As with any coping mechanism, there comes a time when they no longer serve us.  The co-dependent often begins to feel resentful, taken advantage of, and misunderstood.  Depression, frustration and anxiety appear as the co-dependent fails to improve situations regardless of their efforts. They may finally shout, “What about me!” or “I’m not doing this anymore!”

We all exhibit some degree of co-dependency in our relationships. Look for times of caretaking, feeling responsible for other’s feelings or situation, giving unsolicited advice, and being passive or nice. Feeling disappointed or hurt by others may also indicate our co-dependent expectations.

We are wise to note Melody Beattie’s insight, “Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.”  For some, this shift from others to self is huge, for it challenges core beliefs of who one is, how one relates to others and the world, and even, one’s purpose.

For more … check out the Melody Beattie’s classic book, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.

And, you may be interested in attending a March 19, 2019 workshop, The Family: From Dysfunction to Detachment.     Scroll down the page for info.

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Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are the fences that keep us safe – something we may not have experienced in childhood. Take a moment to consider the boundaries in your childhood home? Did others respect your physical and emotional boundaries? Were you able to set boundaries with others? Most often, we were not taught to consider our needs or wants and to assert ourselves to keep them.

Thus, a key in setting boundaries is knowing our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits in the first place.  Be clear on what you will or will not accept from others or a situation.

After we identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, respectfully and succinctly, without charged emotion. Communicate the boundary assertively by using phrases such as, “I would like,” “I need to” or “I would prefer.” Know that we are doing nothing wrong in setting a boundary. There is no need to apologize, justify or rationalize. We have a right to set boundaries just as others do.

When we set new boundaries others may be disappointed or even upset. As long as we are communicating the boundary in a respectful manner, we are not responsible for others’ reactions.  In fact, they are not really annoyed at us; they are upset that their needs will now not be met as much (or at all).

Professor Dr. Nina Brown defined four major types of psychological boundaries. People with ‘soft’ boundaries merge with other people’s boundaries. They put their hands on strangers and let others touch them inappropriately. They get too close to others too fast. They may take on and feel responsible for the feelings of others, giving too much. They easily become emotionally overwhelmed, and yet may ‘crave drama.’ They often resent others who may have ‘used’ or ‘manipulated’ them. Their emotional houses have no fences, gates, locks or even doors.

People with ‘rigid’ boundaries are closed off so nobody can get physically or emotionally close to them. However, the rigidity can be selective depending on circumstances. They appear aloof and distant, and do not talk about or show emotions. They are extremely self-sufficient, rarely asking for help. Their emotional houses are surrounded by immense walls with no gates.

A ‘spongy’ boundary style is a combination of having both soft and rigid boundaries. Although these people permit less emotional contamination than soft people, but more than rigid people, they are unsure (lack the selectiveness) of what to let in and what to keep out.

A ‘flexible’ boundary style is desired. It is similar to the selective rigid boundaries but in this case, the person discerns (selects) what to let in and what to keep out.

How do we know when boundaries are being crossed? Start noticing situations that are draining or stressful. Are we acting under obligation, being nice, or letting someone manipulate us? Look for feelings of resentment or discomfort. The resentment often indicates that we did not assert ourselves and thus, let a boundary be crossed or remain to be crossed. Discomfort may be a cue that someone may be violating our boundary, such as when an inappropriate question is asked.

People with healthy boundaries are firm but flexible. They respect their feelings, needs, opinions and rights, and those of others. They are responsible for their own happiness and allow others to be responsible for their happiness. They are assertive and respectful of the rights of others to be assertive. Their emotional houses have fences and gates that open only to those who respect their boundaries.

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Relationship Dynamics

Why does our partner bug us after a while?

Why do we tend to become ‘like my mom’ or feel like the ‘parent’ or ‘child’ in the relationship?

When we are in that ‘falling in love stage,’ a part of us leaps into ‘the wild blue yonder’ – somewhere far away and exciting; a place largely based upon unknowns and wishful thinking. Biologically, the excitement is attributed to increased levels of certain neurotransmitters (specifically dopamine) which act like adrenalin. Our heart races, we can’t sleep, and our appetite wanes. We may even become a bit obsessed.

On a psychological level, projections are made. “Great! I’ve meet someone I can golf (or other activity) with.” Or, “Now I’ll be able to … “ Our activated flight-or-fight system overrides the logical thinking part of our brains. We are whisked away to the land of romance.

However, this rapid change in perception is illusionary. Where did we learn such magical thinking?

During childhood, we experienced an idyllic, albeit short-lived, all-oneness with our parents in which separation from evoked great suffering. We also experienced additional wounding as we learned to appease others – what was ‘the deal’ we had to do to survive or fit into our family? We also were modelled gender roles and learned how couples related.

As adults, we yearn for the healing of these wounds; and yet, for many, we continue these ‘deals’ and roles within our adult relationships, especially intimate ones. In order to receive acceptance we (regressively) alter ourselves to be more appealing to Other and to avoid Other’s disapproval, much like we did as children.

We may become Fixers and Princes (“I will save you!”), and Mothers and Fathers (“Let me take care of you.”), just as we did as children in our family of origins.  Unconsciously, we may be thinking, “This time I’ll get it [my needs met and be approved] right!”  This is a huge expectation from the Other, and, in time, we will be disappointed, even resentful, in the Other.

Further, the traits that we once were drawn to (e.g., spontaneity, planner, taking care of us, etc.) will often start to annoy us. These shadow elements are often desirable to be vicariously around, yet, become too close for comfort after the honeymoon period in relationships.

To enter consciously into relationships, we need to be aware of the ‘deal’ that we are asking for and accepting.  What roles are we playing or being asked to play?  What are we expecting from Other that we are not willing to do for ourselves?  Are we able to see and accept the Other as who they truly are?

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The Brain in Love

Romantic love is associated with the early phases of a relationship – the ‘falling in love’ stage. This love is based on attraction and is characterized by euphoria, focused attention, and obsessive thinking about the person. These symptoms are attributed to increased levels of certain neurotransmitters – specifically dopamine – which have the same effect on the body as amphetamines.

Any pleasurable activity can raise the levels of brain dopamine. When seeking food, dopamine levels rise by fifty percent. With nicotine, alcohol or sexual arousal, levels double. We feel good and will continue to seek this behaviour. Early-stage love, like any addiction, is more about the seeking and reward process than the actual behaviour, drug or person.

When we meet someone whom gets our romantic attention our hopes rise – the seeking begins! We often daydream about how much better life will be with this person. One may even feel that, “I’ve known this person all my life.” And, unconsciously you have.

Our earliest relational experiences (parent-child) program whom we are drawn to and how we act within relationships. Idealized (or not) images of caretakers form in our childhood psyches. Jung termed this emotionally laden view of mother and father the ‘parental imago.’

When we are initially attracted to someone we do not know the total picture of the other person and this void is filled with hoped-for qualities we wish we had or that unconsciously remind us of our parents. Through this projection, we end up creating an ideal image of our partner that is more about fulfilling our needs/hopes than about accepting our partner for whom they truly are.

We may choose contrary to this parental template, picking a partner who is the opposite of a parent. However, even in this seemingly differing choice, we are still selecting a partner based upon the early parental imago.  “Maybe this time I’ll get it right [with my parent]!?”

Jung advised, “So long as a positive or negative resemblance to the parents is the deciding factor in a love choice, the release from the parental imago, and hence from childhood, is not complete.”  We need to consciously look at what we are hoping to receive from (e.g. security, adventure) and give to (e.g. someone to look after) a potential partner.

At between six months to three years into the relationship we begin to see flaws in our partner. We feel disappointment, frustration and resentment. We may be saying, “You’re just like my mother/father!” Bingo. Now what?

If the falling in love stage was more about getting our needs met, being cared for and experiencing euphoric feelings, then the relationship most likely ends. If, during the falling in love stage, friendship, compassion and commitment accompanied the romance, then the relationship moves to compassionate love.

Compassionate love is the endorphin stage – with oxytocin as the key neurotransmitter. Its presence in the body decreases pain, producing feelings of well-being, and promotes bonding & commitment between people.

One significant key to long-lasting couples is the ability to activate those dopamine-producing regions of the brain through trying new activities, setting date nights, missing and looking forward to our partner, and spending time looking into each others’ eyes.

Helen Fisher is doing great neuroscience research on relationships/love.