Diane Hancox

individuation

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Finding Your Own Path – Individuation

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

These lines from Robert Frost’s poem, ‘The Road Not Taken,’ suggest that there are two roads in life – a personal, individual and less travelled one and a collective, popular one where most people have chosen to tread.

From a depth psychological perspective, when we choose the path that takes us away from the usual way, we have chosen the path of individuation. Jung used the term individuation “to denote the process by which a person becomes a psychological ‘in-dividual,’ that is, a separate, indivisible unity or ‘whole.’”

Jung believed that there is something in the human psyche that perseveres to bring about our “true personality” – who we are born to be. However, how do we undertake the process of individuation?

As adults, we are (supposedly) free to make choices based upon who we truly are and not those determined by societal, familial, cultural or religious doctrines.

Individuation, as Jungian analyst Jolande Jacobi states, “demands the rejection of those prefabricated psychic matrices” in which we have lived our lives. The ‘shoulds,’ ‘have to,’ ‘musts,’ expectations and obligations are questioned and replaced by ‘wants,’ passions, ‘feels right to me,’ and compassion for self and others.

The task is to make conscious all the possibilities we were born with that were split off and repressed through childhood wounding. We now turn inward, towards the wisdom of our intuition, body symptoms, feelings, and images from dreams. We scrutinize the patterns in our behaviour. We begin to choose from within, something most of us are not practiced in doing.

Jacobi writes in her book, ‘The Way of Individuation,’ “In the individuation process it is always a matter of something obsolete that must be left behind to die in order that the new may be born.” This concept resonates with Goethe’s line, “Die and become. Until you have learned this you are but a dull guest on this dark planet.”

As we individuate, the falsity of previous beliefs, roles, personas and how we have lived our lives fades and dies a much-needed death. Dreams often bring images of dying, death, burials and funerals.

Individuation gives permission for everyone to live according to his or her own direction, passions, and unique fullness despite being different from the collective norm. As Jacobi states, individuation “can make meaningful the lives of those people who suffer from the feeling that they are unable to come up to the collective norms and collective ideals.”

As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu stated, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” What role, belief or habit do you need to let go of in order to step closer to who you truly are?

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Leaving Your Childhood Psychic Home

In the movie ‘Miss Potter,’ Beatrix who has decided to move out on her own, is asked by her father, “Why do you find it necessary to leave your home?” She replied, “It is not a choice. … I must make my own way.” Indeed, we all must eventually leave both our physical and psychic childhood homes.  

Parents play a key role in their children’s psychological development. Most adults do not take responsibility for their unconscious material, be it emotional capabilities (e.g., moods, expressing emotions) or coping mechanisms (e.g., addictions, control). Jung suggested that these unhealthy attitudes and behaviours “radiate out into the environment and, if there are children, infect them too.” 

We were ‘infected’ indirectly as we instinctively adapted to our parents’ states of mind. Either we fought against it with silent (and occasionally vocal) protest or else we succumbed to a limiting imitation.  

We may have received love only based upon our fulfillment of certain roles or behaviours. Most of us adapted and became ‘good girls and boys,’ acted how we were ‘supposed to,’ and gave up parts of our selves which were undervalued, perhaps even envied, by our parents. 

As children, we may have been confused by chaotic and conflicting parental messages. We were not encouraged to express our feelings and opinions. We may have had to forfeit interests and beliefs and thus, were required to live a life based more upon the desires of our parents than our own.  

Jung stated, “Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on … children than the unlived life of the parent.” For Jung, the parents’ unlived life is “that part of their lives which might have been lived had not certain somewhat threadbare excuses prevented the parents from doing so.” These unlived parts include academic, athletic, career and other venture choices and accomplishments, as well as certain personality traits.  

Unconscious parental attitudes and repressed feelings were often introjected and internalized into our young psyches. These became those inner, oppressive voices (e.g., the Critic or Judge) that later seem to come from us yet originated with our parents or other authoritative sources.  

The result of these actions is psychic wounding. Our parents’ seemingly innocuous (and sometimes, overt) actions obstructed us from growing into who we truly are. We were obliged to think, do, feel, decide and live not as we wanted, but as our parents wanted. We, as children needed, and now, as adults, need to have our own self-sovereignty. 

Self-sovereignty does not blame or react to parents or past events. Rather, it involves understanding the dynamics underlying childhood adversities, feeling the feelings repressed from these woundings, and deciding how we are now going to live our lives according to newly discovered beliefs. In this way, we begin to unload our early burdens that were not ours to begin with. Thus, we can genuinely step into our own authentic selves full of acceptance, self-esteem and autonomy.

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Loneliness – How do you handle being alone?

Valentine’s Day, whether spent with a partner or by ourselves, often evokes feelings of loneliness. Additionally, we may have been disappointed by unmet expectations from our partner. 

Loneliness typically comes from a sense of discontent with our social relationships. This social loneliness is often relieved when we reconnect with others, greet people on a walk, call a friend or head to the gym, church or golf club.
 
Nevertheless, it is often when we are surrounded by many people or in an intimate relationship that feelings of loneliness profoundly emerge, suggesting that there is another type of loneliness. 

Despite our external connectedness, we often still feel alone. Psychologically, there exists an inner loneliness resulting from a sense of disconnect not with others but with our selves.

Jung suggested, “Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”  

Whether we are by ourselves or with others, there is a need to feel that our true self is being respected, voiced and lived – that we are connected with our inner self and thus, feel a sense of ‘all one,’ versus feeling ‘a lone.’ 

In these often agonizing moments, we realize that we are truly alone, and again are reminded that our validation must come from within and not from others. In our quest for individuation, we are asked in these times of suffering to endure a psychic shift or loss. 

In myths and fairy tales, the hero must venture alone into the world, perform tasks, learn new attributes, relinquish overused and mislearned beliefs, and truly stand by him or herself. We are summoned to drop our ego resistances and let go of a part of our personas, in order to gain a greater sense of who we truly are. 

Psychoanalyst Aldo Carotenuto reminds us, “If we succeed in bearing the anxiety of solitude, new horizons will open up to us and we will learn finally to exist independently of others.”  

If aloneness brings such suffering then it is understandably avoided. We fill any likelihood of solitude with perpetual background noise, with the overuse of social media, and by excessively calling friends. When feelings of aloneness do arise, we may try to cover them with busyness, alcohol, food, shopping, screen time, or other addictive or distracting measures.

We often try to solve our aloneness by searching outwardly for a “magical Other” whom as author James Hollis suggests “will rescue us from [our] existential isolation.”  

As you explore your relationship with being alone, recall times when you truly felt the anguish of being alone. What psychically shifted or was lost during this time? In what ways do you avoid being alone? What part of you may still hope that something or someone will ‘rescue’ you? 

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Journeying through Life

Friedrich Nietzsche put forth a wonderful scenario: “What if a demon were to creep after you one night and say, ‘This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence.” …  Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, ‘Never have I heard anything more divine?’”

How would you answer the nocturnal demon? Simple put, are you living a life you would want to live again, one rich with meaning, connection and joy? Similarly, we may ponder being on our deathbed and wonder if we would have any regrets. This reality check, especially as one enters mid-life, calls for some existential reflection.

A content place to be when our physical time on Earth is done is not to want to cry because our life is over, but to celebrate because it happened. Yet, how many people do you know who could face death with true satisfaction? Could you?

Writer Christopher Morley stated, “There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.” We want to move through our life with meaning, insight, and integrity – to ‘step up to the plate’ and courageously face whatever we have been summoned to be.

You want to, as an unknown source advised, “Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, ‘Oh Shit – You’re awake!’” However, our fearful ego often benches us and we never fully show up to our life. 

St. Augustine noticed a reluctance to question what is happening as one journeys through life. He stated, “People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering.”

Aware, insightful and curious people ponder their life and how they choose to live it. Others choose not to look, to ask or to face what they might find if they did begin to look. Perhaps they once began and their weakened ego sadly turned in fright. What questions do you avoid asking, perhaps already knowing the answer?

The bottom line is that we each have choices and are ultimately responsible for our life. In her poem, ‘When Death Comes,’ Mary Oliver reflected, “When it is over, I don’t want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular, and real. I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument. I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.” How will you choose to journey through life? 

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Individuation – Finding Your Own Path

You may be familiar with Henry David Thoreau’s saying, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” Thoreau metaphorically advises one to ‘be your self.’ However, what does it really mean to step to one’s own music?

Psychologist Abraham Maslov used the term self-actualization to describe the final level of psychological development. At this stage, the full personal potential of the individual takes place. Carl Jung offered the concept of individuation as a psychological process that makes one truly an individual – a unique, genuine and passionate being. 

Author Murray Stein explained individuation as “the inner union of pieces of the psyche that were divided and split off by earlier developmental demands and processes.” By demands and processes, Stein means childhood wounding in which parts of who we truly are were repressed into the unconscious. During individuation, our outward persona of who we think we are is introduced to our repressed shadow material. The task is to meet, take ownership and reintegrate these ‘bad’ or undervalued parts into our being. 

Individuation involves separating one self from conformity and from the collective. Thoreau stated, “Let everyone mind his own business, and endeavor to be what he was made.” Indeed, individuation promotes choosing from an internal reference point rather than relying upon the collective norms of what one ‘should,’ ‘has to’ or ‘must’ do. As one detaches from mother, father, family and society there is a loss of dependency which results in personal suffering. 

Jung suggested one “must offer a ransom in place of himself, that is, he must bring forth values which are an equivalent substitute for his absence in the collective personal sphere.” The price is painfully feeling and accepting that one is truly alone. The reward is moving towards living a life larger than one’s ego or the collective norms. We end up living a life more in tune with who we truly are. As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu stated, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” 

This becoming who we truly are meant to be is living according to your true potential. Jung pondered, “What is it, in the end, that induces a man to go his own way and to rise out of unconscious identity with the mass as out of a swathing mist?” His answer was vocation: “an irrational factor that destines a man to emancipate himself from the herd and from its well-worn paths.” As writer Ralph Waldo Emerson advised, “Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail”. 

Often people think individuation is self-absorbing, ego gratifying and selfish. However, it is about becoming a mature adult, responsible for your actions. As we break free from family and societal beliefs that once bound us, we are able to offer to others and community our genuine self. As Jung stated, “Individuation does not shut one out from the world, but gathers the world to itself.”

Next week we’ll take a closer look at vocation.