Putting Your Ideas into Action
As we begin 2021, even if for some, a very different start of the year with the pandemic happening, we do tend to think about hopes and changes for the year. Ideas and possibilities (perhaps limited by external factors) arise.
The word possibility originates from the Latin word possibilis which means ‘that which can be done.’ Its root is from posse – to be able. Interestingly, possibility is also linked to the word potent – that which is possible. Potent is the power, the ability and the capability and is historically linked to the masculine concepts of master and husband.
Having potential is having the power or strength to put into action whatever you choose. It is about having self-efficacy or a belief that you are capable and competent in doing what you set out to do. Notice, it is that which is possible, not that which is actual. So how does one move from all the ideas and possibilities to seeing them actually happen?
Regardless of gender, our inner feminine Idea-Maker side ponders, creates the ideas, makes the list and brings those wonderful feelings of hope and possibility to any situation. However, we need to complement this side with an inner masculine force whose role is to put these ideas into action. We require the inner masculine Doer.
Depending upon the task, we may need a specific Doer. For example, we may want to call upon the Engineer – as he has the ability to convert creative ideas into practical expression. You may want to tweak his energy into the Designer. If wanting to tackle your fitness or physical health, you may turn to the Athlete, calling up his personal willpower and strength.
Find pictures of your inner masculine and post them in a spot you often see. There may even be a character from real life or fiction that you are wanting some of that trait from. Learn his wisdom. Call up his energy and qualities along side you as you tackle your ideas.
Often when we do not do something, fear is present. Take a moment to name your fears (Recall the types of fear: death, the unknown, rejection, being alone, and lack of control). Identify what part of you is afraid and why it does not want this specific change to happen. Try to find the original source of the fear. Remember, you were not born with this fear.
Also, identify any underling beliefs about the situation or yourself that might be sabotaging or blocking any motivation, starting or progress. These could sound like, “I can’t,” “I don’t deserve,” or “Someone won’t like it.” This is the deeper reason that tasks don’t get done (or even started!). Work with these – “I can!” “I do derive!” and “Does not matter, I like it!”
On a practical note, break your ideas down into separate steps. Set a goal of doing even five minutes of the idea – say, walking, tackling the weeds, or phoning people. By doing something you’ve shifted the energy away from being stuck in the feminine pondering mode to the masculine doing mode. You’ll be surprised how five minutes may turn into more!
As you do the task keep the feminine attitude of spontaneity and of merely ‘seeing where this takes me.’ Bring the masculine back by stopping and doing a quick analysis of how the plan is going. Give yourself permission to change and tweak. Go where your energy and the flow go – often the steps don’t have to be done in order. Let go of outcome expectations and enjoy the process rather than the final product.
Diane Hancox is a counsellor & presenter based in Parksville, B.C, Canada. For more information see corecounselling.ca.
Individuation: Becoming Who We Truly Are
You may be familiar with author Henry David Thoreau’s saying, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”
Thoreau metaphorically advises one to ‘be yourself,’ but what does it mean to step to one’s own music?
Psychologist Abraham Maslow used the term self-actualization to describe what he believed to be the final level of psychological development. At this stage, the full personal potential of the individual is realized.
Carl Jung offered the concept of individuation as a psychological process that makes one truly a unique, genuine and passionate being.
Jungian author Murray Stein explained individuation as “the inner union of pieces of the psyche that were divided and split off by earlier developmental demands and processes.”
“Demands and processes” refer to childhood wounding in which authentic parts of ourselves were repressed into the unconscious. During individuation, our outward personas – who we think we are – are introduced to our repressed shadow material. The task is to meet, take ownership and reintegrate these ‘bad’ or undervalued parts into our beings and apply them in our outer world.
Individuation involves separating ourselves from conformity and from the collective. Thoreau stated, “Let everyone mind his/[her] own business, and endeavor to be what [s]he was made.” Indeed, individuation promotes choosing from an internal reference point rather than relying upon the collective norms of what we ‘should,’ ‘have to’ or ‘must’ do. As we detach from mother, father, family and society, a loss of dependency results in personal suffering.
The sometimes painful price one pays as we continue to individuate on our journey is accepting that we are truly alone. The reward is moving towards living a life larger than our egos and the collective norms. We end up living a life more aligned with who we truly are. As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu stated, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
Often people think individuation is self-absorbing, ego gratifying and selfish. To the contrary, it is about becoming a mature adult, responsible for our actions. As we break free from family and societal beliefs that once bound us, we are able to offer to others and community our genuine selves. As Jung stated, “individuation does not shut one out from the world, but gathers the world to itself.”
Reflections
- What are the ‘shoulds,’ ‘have to’s,’ and ‘musts’ that have influenced and continue to influence your life?
- What are the parts of yourself – the traits, labels and roles – that prevent you from stepping off your existing path onto a new, more soulful path?
- What qualities of yourself do you know deep down that you could offer to self, family and community? How do you feel when you think about what you could give?
- Society and family have a huge influence in how we live our lives. How might the family, peers and community you live among react to any change or path redirection you are contemplating?
- What fears surface as you contemplate increased awareness and honouring of your true desires and living more aligned to your true self?
Unsolicited Advice: Why We Give It & Why We Don’t Like Getting It
According to John Bradshaw, “co-dependency is the most common family illness.” Co-dependence is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by a person in order to survive in a stressed or dysfunctional family.
We learned these behaviours from a dysfunctional family which involved a primary stressor such as the presence of alcoholism, depression, passive/aggressiveness, actual illness or death, abuse, or the controlling of feelings and situations. We adjusted (became ‘co’-existed) to the person/stressor which lay down the pattern of familiar behavioural co-dependent ways.
Symptoms of co-dependency include controlling behavior, perfectionism, rigidity, avoidance of and difficulty identifying feelings, boundary issues, physical illness related to stress, and hyper-vigilance. One way of gaining control (over uneasy situations, maintaining perfectionism, avoiding chaos, etc.) is by giving unsolicited advice.
When someone shares an uncomfortable situation, the unsolicited advice-giver (consciously or unconsciously) feels anxious and is then compelled to ease their own uneasiness by offering any “should,” “you might want to” or “If it were me, I would …” In doing so, the advice-giver gains a sense that things are (or have a better chance of being) in order, manageable and predictable. With the origins of co-dependency in abuse, trauma, chaos, or control, we see how uncertain or even somewhat troublesome situations can trigger the advice-giver to fix, help, boss others – not so much from a place of caring for others, but rather from easing their own angst.
Catch yourself wanting, almost compulsively, to give advice. What is this really about? It is about you feeling better about yourself (superior) that you know the answers or can help others feel better? Co-dependents feel that they are acting in another person’s best interest which makes it difficult for them to see their hovering, interfering and controlling nature.
For the person receiving the advice, unsolicited suggestions often trigger core wounds of inferiority – “I’m not good, smart, or capable enough.” It weakens their sense of self and autonomy. We may get irritated, frustrated or angry. Shame may surface. Unsolicited advice disempowers the receiver. At times, even a “Are you OK?” comment smacks of this.
How to handle unsolicited advice. When the advice does come, we can acknowledge it, and let the other person know (set a boundary) that we can handle it: “I got it, thanks.” We may even have to state (if they persist on helping) that we are fine with making a decision, dealing with the consequences and learning whatever we do (even if the advice is ‘better’).
Sometimes the boundary has to be fully stated: “Hey friend, how about we agree to not give advice unless asked?” No fixing or judging – simply sharing, listening and being heard. What is interesting to notice is when someone shares a situation to a non advice-giving listener, they often get insights and resolution on their own!
In the work around not giving advice (if you really can’t stop yourself!), ask permission before offering advice or suggestions. This may sound like:
- I have some ideas about what might be helpful. Would you be interested in hearing them?
- Are you open to suggestions?
- Would it be most helpful for me to give you some advice or for me to listen?
- I’ve been through something similar. Can I tell you about what worked for me?
- Is there anything I can do to help?
We all exhibit some degree of co-dependency in our relationships. Look for times of caretaking, feeling responsible for other’s feelings or situation, giving unsolicited advice, and being passive or nice.
For more … check out Melody Beattie’s classic book, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself and You’re Not Crazy, You’re Co-dependent by Jeanette Elisabeth Mentor.
Moving Forward with Imagination
Whether it is fate-driven angst (e.g., a pandemic) or a more subtle aching of one’s soul, (e.g., boredom or malaise), what is often being asked for is something new. However, in times of transition, we may not know exactly what the change may look like, and yet, our imagination is there to help.
According to the Concise Oxford Dictionary, imagination is the mental faculty to form images or concepts of external objects not present to the senses. Kant believed that imagination was fundamental to the human mind, not only bringing together our sensory and intellectual faculties, but also acting in creative ways. Ralph Waldo Emerson noted, “Imagination is not a talent of some people, but is the health of every person.”
Imagination aids in problem solving. Our intellect may wrestle with a dilemma and yet, when we imagine or widen the possibilities, answers often arise. In times of uncertainty and ‘not knowing,’ we can heed Albert Einstein’s statement that, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
However, imagination is not always positive as many of us habitually examine and imagine problems resulting in increased and unnecessary chronic stress, which limits and distorts our experiences.
In her article “Why Thinking Can Get You in Trouble,” Maria Hill notes that, “The imagination is a powerful aspect of our brain functioning. … If our imagination has been directed toward fear, that is a pathway in our brain that will automatically arise when we are contemplating a task – especially a new one….[Further,] “When our imagination has habitually been directed to imagining something positive, that is where it will naturally go.” A pattern to be aware of, and changed, if the former.
What next?
In creating something new we first have to conjure up an image of what we want to create. As William Blake observed, “What is now true was once only imagined.”
It is difficult to start imagining when we don’t even know what we want. Be as honest as you can. Take the time to turn inward and focus on how you want to feel, how you want ‘to be’, what your intentions are, and what virtues or principles you want to address. Listen for any negating thoughts (“You can’t, Don’t be silly.”) that might accompany these desires.
What do you want?
For many, the pandemic has made it pretty darn clear what matters most and what people want – more time with family, less time commuting or in malls. Prioritize. Clarify. Keep those promises NOT to return to some aspects of ‘the way it was before.’ Some employees are already asking employers for changes to work arrangements. Others have found or reclaimed activities, relationships, or parts of themselves lost over the years of busyness or distractions.
You may have an inkling for change yet may not know quite yet what that looks like. When our Ego does not know (we may be locked into left-brain thinking), we can channel into the right brain, into the more creative, spontaneous, feeling-based unconscious realm.
Our unconscious is rich with images. As Jung stated, “Image is psyche.” Our psyche or soul creates spontaneous images in the form of dreams, art, music and poetry. We use metaphors (e.g., “I feel like a caged animal.”) which invoke images and emotions. Look for these imaginative gems throughout the day. Play with the possibilities of “What if?”
“Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will.” – George Bernard Shaw
Deepening into Your Covid-19 Experience
I sincerely hope you are all doing the best you can, handling any challenges with awareness and strength, and continue to deepen into what is ‘up’ for you and others.
Let me start by acknowledging that although ‘we are all in this together,’ each of us is experiencing the pandemic along a wide range of situations. Some are financially unaffected while others are at risk of losing property and businesses. Some are deeply concerned about high-risk loved ones or have even felt the loss of someone, while others have not been directly touched. While some may be savouring the increased time at home, others are at increased risk of intimate partner abuse, addictive behaviour and mental illness.
From my observations, it is clear that as our routines are altered and distractions reduced, whatever was bothering us before is now most likely staring us in the face. Even if we find our lives busier (e.g., children/partner now at home), we lose that precious self-care time so necessary to keep any issues at bay or managed.
What is coming up for you? Financial insecurity, unhealthy relationships, anxiety, depression, lack of meaning, boredom, anger, or perhaps the fear of death of others or of self. Is anything really new for you in the discomfort?
Behind any discomfort lie our psyche’s complexes (those bundles of familiar historic emotions and beliefs) that beg for our attention – for change – in order to lessen our suffering. Here is an opportunity to sit with the uneasiness (on whatever level). Can we meet ourselves?
The pandemic beckons introversion – a conscious turning inward, with increased awareness of our feelings and thoughts. Then, with willingness and honesty, with courage and humility you can do the necessary work of putting your inner house in order.
There will be losses. For some, there already has been loss of wages, property, relationships, meaningful work and activities, and dreams. Even if the losses are temporary or will inevitably come in the future, this is grief work.
Hope and expectations have been shattered and we are more than a little ticked off! It is important to name what is lost – the void – and feel your feelings and honest thoughts around them.
It is not necessarily about what is lost but what feelings and beliefs they bring up in you. Statements emerge such as, “This isn’t fair! This isn’t what I had planned! Now what will I do? Who am I if I can’t ______?” Now we get closer to some core issues. Explore these statements and queries. Indeed, life isn’t fair. And, you are more than what your job is or what you have in your bank account.
Transitioning Self &Society Part of the introversion requires us to clarify our wants, values, purpose, what brings us meaning and what matters most. Here is where some are recognizing any ‘silver linings’ in all this.
We see in self and others an increase in patience, being supportive, recognizing our interdependence, a healing Gaia, and a balancing of masculine and feminine principles. What are your ‘silver linings’ (if any)? What have you learned? What do you want to remember as you move forward?
Similar to facing our own ‘stuff,’ there is also the exposure, perhaps like never before, of political, societal and collective (they are all the same to some degree) cracks or shadow material. Treatment of certain sectors and populations, wage inequities, how we act in shopping lines, the comments slipped out about ‘them,’ etc. are in the spotlight, with energy (media coverage, funding) being placed upon this other side of human behaviour, with transformation already happening.
Jungian Murray Stein, in a recent interview, images an “Umbra Mundi” – a world shadow hovering over the globe. In alchemical terms it is nigredo – a process in which all ingredients have to be cleansed and cooked extensively to a uniform black matter before any transformation can occur.
Like the newly exposed silver linings, it will take personal and collective perseverance to prevent any dimming of the spotlight or tarnishing of lining insights, changes and progress made to date.
We talk about the ‘new normal,’ how it already feels better in some ways, yet, will you (society, government) sustain these insights? Will the supportiveness to others, less spending, enjoying our morning coffee at home, etc. go back to business as usual? Remember that ‘normal’ does not equate to healthy or functional. What might Ego be resisting as this ‘new normal’ unfolds (even if temporary)?
And why might we be so sad? [I’m seeing this a lot!]
Most often current loss touches upon past losses evoking memories (flashbacks) accompanied by their associated feelings and cognitions. This stirring, often unconscious, often amplifies and distorts the current grief – a grief bundle may form. Thus, it is important to sort out what specific loss one is grieving in the moment and what feelings one is actually feeling. Often there are unresolved feelings (guilt, anger, resentment) and thoughts (“I should have done more” or “I was so stupid!”) with these past losses/decisions that may or may not coincide with the current grief.
Trauma Response And, while we are here, many of the losses, past and present, were and are traumatic, so in fact the pandemic may be re-traumatizing or traumatizing for some people.
The pandemic is invisible, universal, mysterious, and terrifying, with a component of lack of control. Does this remind you of any past situation? Core trauma concerns of safety, helplessness and unpredictability, as well as victim energy may surface. We can change helplessness by being productive and doing what we can. Unpredictability can be altered by setting schedules and adding structure to the day.
Watch for flight, fight or freeze behaviour – all natural and normal trauma responses. Anxiety and fear provoke anger, aggression, panic and paranoia. We may dissociate by numbing, withdrawing, zoning out or being in denial. Our aim is for emotional regulation or stability (staying in that window of tolerance) achieved by healthy and conscious means.
Whether stressed or traumatized, the key is to get grounded/calm and to stay grounded. We calm both the body and the mind. Breathing techniques, any type of meditation or mindfulness activity, stop thoughting, energy work, and moving the body need to be part of the daily routine.
Creativity also plays an important role in processing emotions – incorporate dance, singing, drumming, howling, play, writing, cooking, and art into your life. Dosing these along with other self-care activities 12 times throughout your day is better than doing something for say 2 hrs and then believing “that’s it.”
To calm the mind. It is helpful to recognize core issues (safety, control, scarcity, abandonment, not enough, victim, etc.) that are surfacing and have rational, ‘go to’ statements ready. This can be as simple as, “I am safe, now.” Or, “I’ll make the best of what money I have.”
Deepen into values, beliefs and virtues (acceptance, gratitude, kindness, integrity, service, etc.) with these statements. These can then be part of daily intentions, prayer and meditation. Examples include:
- “I am where I am because this is exactly where I am supposed to be (on this journey called life).”
- “Even though I am feeling (anxious, overwhelmed, scared), I unconditionally love and accept myself.” [This statement is from EFT tapping protocol.]
- “In the worst case scenario, I will … “
- “I am grateful for …..”
- “I trust that I will …”
We may not know where this pandemic will take us, yet each of us can decide how we are going to handle whatever comes. Some advice – “When one can see no future, all one can do is the next right thing.” (Pabbie, in Frozen II)